The Slippery Slope

Yes... my next few blogs are all going to be doom and gloom, some harsh realities about happiness. Last blog I touched on genetics, how you may actually be genetically incapable of being happy, there are real genes out there that are associated with happiness. This blog, lets face it, happiness is on the decline.

Life has gotten easier. Tasks that took us a whole day 50 years ago, now take us an hour at most. Think of the laundry, communicating with people, technology has enabled us to make things faster and quicker with little input from us.  Communication is key to happiness, friends and family makes us happy. Right now, I am sitting at the gymnasium waiting for my daughter to finish her gym class. Every single parent, albeit two (who are actually talking to each other) is plugged into an electronic devise of some sort. Including me.  But our addictions to WhatsApp and Facebook aren't making us happy, studies are all there to prove it.  We are becoming more and more miserable as a nation. You don't need the studies, ask any GP what they see coming into their surgeries. Depression is on the increase, more and more people are pill popping to keep them in some sort of meta-happy state.  Although life is technically easier, its not.

Never ever has more ever been expected from us as individuals and collectively as a society. Our every minutes have to be filled with some task. Yes, I have a spare 5 minutes, lets respond to emails, let me do my Sainsburys shopping, let me order a new door handle....  The definition of success:  money and power no longer works for us. Its exhausting us and making us more and more unhappy.  Who defined this success anyway? We all fight it amongst ourselves for the next promotion and the next better paid job. I am a complex being, surely my success is based on so much more than my work?


I have no solutions. I am still figuring this out for myself. But sometimes we need to slow down and almost stop. I am a hypocrite, I never slow down and never stop. Like one student once said to me "I'll rest when I die". But the problem is, if I don't rest, that route to death is going to be a very painful one.

Genes

It's been a while since my last blog... not because I can't be bothered. But too much to think about. A few weeks ago I was fortunate to go see The Happiness Project at the theatre - an experiment between scientists and teenagers to explore happiness. I thought this blog entry would be a good review for this production, but in all honesty, I left with my head spinning. The two hour production pretty much covered everything about happiness; psychological, experimental, scientific, theoretical and the down right airy fairy!!

So, I have decided instead to explore the main themes that stood out for me, one blog at a time. There was one character that really stood out for me, a teenager who was always happy, or so she says.  Positive thinking makes you happy right? If you believe you're happy then you will be, right?  Well that's what the books say.  But I have been thinking about this girl for a few weeks now.... and now I am not so sure.

Generally, I think I am a positive and happy person, I probably have always been. I have my moments of being cross, but generally, happiness comes naturally to me. If I look at my gene pool - my siblings, parents, they are all happy people. They are very optimistic, especially when it comes to time lines!!  And I wonder if this is in our genes. I look around me, I know people who are happier and more positive than me, and I know people who certainly are not. Is your genetic disposition dictating your happiness? Is it futile for me to be happier when I already am? Is it naive for me to believe people can be happier by following the formula's that are laid out here, when they just can't?

I am not talking rubbish here, there is apparently a link between happiness and genes. Firstly, happy people seem to have a combination of personality traits that make them who they are.  Then there are some genes that are over activated in happy people that seems to be responsible for happiness. Serotonin transport proteins.  These are definitely under active in depressed people and over active in happy people. Great, I thought this a great target for drug discovery - a target for Serotonin transport proteins - a pill to make you happy. Unfortunately, someone beat me to it, there is a happy pill that activates Serotonin transport proteins. Its called cocaine :-(

sleep

Sleep. The new buzz word. I hear it everywhere these days.  Bhutan has now declared itself a happier nation. Why is that? The Prime Minister claims it’s because its citizens are sleeping more. In fact 91.2% of Bhutanese citizens have declared themselves happy.  Funnily, those who are happiest are the monks. Probably because they never marry.  

The sleep connection to happiness goes further. Shocking. 23% of married couples do not share the same bed. But these couples claim that this is the key to their successful happy. And why? Because you get a good nights sleep. The tossing and turning (or even snoring) of a partner beside you disrupts the quality of your sleep. More and more of my married friends in my circles admit this.  I’m a bit selfish; I get the bed to myself anyway.  So now, instead of staying up all night finishing off your jobs, leave it all and get to bed. And its uninterrupted sleep that’s the key.

I feel quite naïve reading all this.  In my very first blogs I spoke about my changes to become a happier person, and I thought my 8 hours a night was ridiculous and I needed less sleep. If you’ve been following my blog, you realise I did a u-turn, and I realised how non functional I was on 6 hours sleep. I agree, sleep is necessary and key to a happy life.  But its scientific attributes are only beginning to become evident, the realities of actually how a lack of sleep is hurting us, even killing us.  It makes us more stressed, irritable, on a physiological level, it increases blood pressure, depression, muscular aches, obesity, headaches. So grab a pillow and a blanket and take a snooze – it will only make you happier.

Hard Wired

Yes, we are hard wired. I know that with myself, no matter how hard I try to be positive, when an emotion of disgust, shame, guilt, negativity, stress, anxiety, sadness, anger gets into my head, my head starts spinning. I start imagining scenarios and my thoughts go off in a tangent, the what ifs, the what coulds, the when wills......

I wanted to understand this phenomenon. I am pretty sure now, I am not the only one who experiences it. No matter how great my day has been, one snooty comment from one snooty mum at school and all I seem to focus on is the negative emotion.

Yes, this is a real emotion.  We experience it (yes all of us) because our brains are hard wired that way.  Its the way our brains keep us safe - we focus on the negative or alarming aspects of our lives to prepare ourselves for those scenarios.  So what to do?  Here is the three step solution:

1) Acknowledge to yourself this moment is difficult. This is the monumental point. When you acknowledge your difficulty, things instantly start to feel better.  Scientifically, this acknowledgement down regulates the alarm centre of the brain and calms you down.
2) Investigate the difficulty. Work out if there is anything you need to do to improve it.  Does it need a solution? Do you just need to time to get accustomed to it? Do you need to punch someone?  I wouldn't recommend the later, it could land you in prison!
3) Cast the net. And what else. Did the negative aspect teach you something? Has it made you realise what is going on?  What did you learn from it.

I think it makes sense. For me, the three step process is something I go through naturally, when I saw it written on paper it made sense.  So your anger is normal. Embrace it. Learn from it.

Chasing Happiness

And so my pursuit continues. I purposely chose my bucket list to be as diverse as possible giving me the chance to sample new things that might add some happiness in my life. I was very surprised that my "learn a new musical instrument" one is the one so far that gives me so much happiness. Even when I am feeling down and annoyed, I pick up my instrument and all of a sudden all is forgotten. The morale - try something new and wacky - you never know to which mental state of mind it might take you.

There has been articles this week specifically about the happiness trail and pursuit.  I think I may have eluded to this in a previous blog, but the more you chase happiness, the more it runs away from you.  I read the article. I re-read it. I can't say I totally agree with it....

Chasing happiness. Wanting to be happy. What does that mean? Does that mean I am always happy? Am I not allowed to be sad at all?  If you think this, then the happiness project is doom. Part of being happy is also being sad. After sadness, you know what true happiness is.  If you are looking for the ideal life, then you are up for a disappointment, because life is a journey. And happiness is a journey too.  Chasing happiness means chasing sadness and disappointment too.  The happiness project was never intended so that I am happy ALL the time, its just a means to make me more aware of myself and my own mental state of mind. If you accept this, then go on, chase your happiness rainbow, and don't let those miserable journalists get you down :-)

minding happiness

Take a look at this man:












His name is Chade-Meng Tang. Google employ him as part of the HR team to do only one thing - to make google employees happy.

So he has these lunchtime sessions of mindfulness, relaxation and de-stressing. Google claims hes worth every penny. Not only does he keeps the employees happy, but in turn, that makes them more productive. One of the success stories behind google.

Just like exercise, now being recognised as a key factor in well being, meditation and mindfulness is going down the same track. It still shocks me to think how many employers neglect their staff. Over worked, over bearing, strict deadlines, lack of understanding, constant flurries of change - it takes its toll on the staff, and most employers shrug it off thinking plenty more fish in the sea. But changing and re-training staff is a false economy, its good to get the fresh new staff in, but in many cases, the balance is wrong.

People still laugh at meditation and its importance in well being. So many of my peers are turning to it and a way to detach from situations.  Meditation isn't just sitting cross legged chanting for an hour, its when you clear your mind. It can be done by prayer, cleaning or hard physical labour - we just don't call it  meditation. I haven't gone down the path of mindfulness yet, but I have my private ways to clear my mind and meditate.  Just another sprinkling onto my happiness project

Politically happy

Its time to blog again. And the last few weeks I have been focusing on my ultimate bucket list. 7 items complete from 40, and I am leaving some of the easy ones for the hard times. I am certainly very pleased with myself. I have started to learn a musical instrument, taking professional lessons, not just copying on youtube, and sat down to watch E.T. Apparently its number 24 on the US film institutes top 100....  And gosh, when I complete a task on my bucket list, I feel great!

A headline caught my eye today - it was about the Liberal Democrats party conference in Bournemouth and how all the people are coming out so happy. Of course the "happy" buzz word caught my eye and I read the article. Misleading. But its true, your political inclinations are likely to make you happier. I got this from several studies that state if you vote conservative you are likely to be happier. I almost choked on my tea - all tory voters I know are miserable gits.  But apparently the measure is unfair, its a questionnaire and they all say they are happy. A new study out this year contradicts these studies and points out the flaws, you can't ask people if they are happy, you need to look for signs of it. So they look for signs, and the BBC news headline was right, liberal voters are happier than conservatives. This is based on interviews, photographs were people are smiling, linkedin articles that are being posted, tweets, etc. They looked for happy/sad buzz words then re-connected who they were coming from.  It's an interesting study, who would have thought your voting habits effect your overall happiness. Luckily, I vote liberal, so I am well on my way on being the straight and narrow happiness path.

One Year On....

I'm back from a summer of fun and frolic.... and its also one year since starting my blog. So I dedicate this blog entry to reviewing the happiness project, now I have a more comprehensive overview of it.

The question I get asked, Am I Happier?  Yes, I certainly am. The very notion of writing a blog on happiness, thinking constantly about my happiness and well being automatically makes me happier. Yes, I have my down moments, we all do. That's ok, we are allowed to have those. Sometimes those down moments result in a friend reaching out, or ends in a happy memory. Seldom to sad memories remain like that. 

The blog has forced me to look into happiness at depth; to look at studies that are published in peer reviewed journals, at personal entries from people, scathe through newspapers clippings. There is one thing to be send, being happy is certainly a very popular item of study. But with one fundamental flaw, there is no measure of happiness.

Reviewing my own progress, the ultimate to do list, the vision board and the blog its self have been very positive. I would certainly recommend them. However, there is one thing that I am sure is hindering my happiness, and that is my smart phone.  My constant need to check my phone and be permanently connected to my emails..... this is something only I can sort out with my own willpower.

So I go in full circle, one of my first happiness endeavours 1 year ago was to drop the smartphone and still I haven't been able to.  This is something that I am working on. And whilst my daughter of 8 has now completed 40% of her to do list, I have only completed only 17% of it. That is something I need to work towards.

Keep reading, I will keep updating you with new pieces of research that I stumble upon, thank you to family and friends for forwarding articles, quotes, pictures relating to happiness, and keep them coming.

Silent minds

Generally, I love people. I love watching them, talking to them; I love the way that everyone is so different yet still very much the same. What I love most of all is watching children. I am fortunate to have one of my own, and she pretty much is my Guinea Pig for all children. Its not a fair comparison, but I learn a lot from her.

As the years progress, one thing that really strikes me is that children are happy. She sings to herself, plays for hours on her own, and finds delights in the simple things in life.  Here we are looking for our happiness ingredients, but what strikes me is that we probably knew it all along, but somehow we forgot it. Children are happy (unless you have been through some awful trauma, I would say nearly all children are happy).  As the years pass on, I wonder more and more to myself - what makes them so happy?

Among other things, one of the key contributors is how children are unable to retain. Arguments and tiffs seem to just pass right through them. Only yesterday, my daughter and I  had a massive standoff, resulted in her sobbing and locking herself into her room. An hour later, she totally forgot about it. In fact only 10 minutes after the crying stopped singing came from her room. I came in to see how she was, and she was chatty/happy? Did you just forget that I beat you at monopoly? And the tantrum you threw as a result?  Yes, she did. And that is just one of the secrets to her happiness, forgetting.

Its not so easy with us grown ups, we all hold grudges, some for days, some for decades....  These grudges cloud our minds, unable us to think straight, consume our living days. How do you let go?  Apparently the experts say you have to silence your mind. And the way to do that is get out into nature. Just absorb yourself for 5-10 minutes observing a tree, or a bird or something. And apparently you let go. Sceptical me set off at lunchtime in the outer Hebrides of Mill Hill/Totteridge and I did just that, 10  minutes of lying under a tree and looking at the leaves blowing in the wind. Its true, it silences your mind and makes you let go. Give it a go, let me know if I am just talking rubbish!

character happy

There are 24 strengths of character, I'll list them all. Maybe you can identify with all of them to some extent, maybe you can identify with some more strongly than others. But take a good look... your strength of character will reveal alot about yourself...

1. Appreciation of Beauty and Excellence - Noticing and appreciating the beauty around you, whether it be art, nature or mathematics
2. Bravery - Speaking up for what is right, even if you're the only one speaking! Also includes physical bravery
3. Citizenship - Working with the team or community, being loyal to that team or community
4. Creativity - Coming up with new ways to do things, not only artistic
5. Curiosity - Finding everything interesting, love exploring
6. Fairness - Treating everyone the same, trying to overcome personal bias to ensure everyone is treated equally
7. Forgiveness and Mercy - Forgiving those who have done you wrong, giving people a second chance
8. Gratitude - Being aware and thankful for what you have and taking time to express thanks
9. Hope - Working towards the future, and believing that working hard can change it
10. Humour - Liking to laugh and tease, bringing smiles to other people, lightheartedness
11. Integrity - Speaking the truth, presenting yourself in an honest and open way, take responsibility for your actions
12. Judgement - Thinking things through, not jumping to conclusions, able to change your mind in light of evidence
13. Kindness - Doing good deeds for others and helping them. Taking care
14. Leadership - Getting a group together to get things done, organising group activities and make sure they are done
15. Love - Being close to people, value close relationships with others
16. Love of Learning - Mastering new skills, adding to what you know
17. Modesty and Humility - Letting ones accomplishments speak for them self, not wanting to get into the spotlight
18. Persistence - Taking pleasure in completing tasks, finishing what you set off to start
19. Perspective - Being able to provide wise counsel to others
20. Prudence - Being careful about your choices, not taking risks
21. Self Regulation - Controlling emotions, being disciplined
22. Social Intelligence - Being aware of the motives of other people, how to fit into different social situations
23. Spirituality - Have strong feelings about the meaning of life and purpose that shapes conduct and provides comfort
24. Zest - Approaching life with excitement and energy, never doing things half heartedly, feeling activated and alive

I'll be honest, there are several of these characters that I cannot relate to at all, or very little, and others that more strongly resonate with me. Conversely, there are characters that others may see in me and I do not see in myself and vice versa.

So what has this got to do with my happiness project?  There are 2 character strengths that resonate strongly with happiness, hope and zest.  With some character traits, having too much of a character can start to be detrimental, like loving too much starts to become a negative. But not with happiness, you can have oodles of hope and zest and the happiness will just increase.

There are other traits that are more weakly associated with happiness; gratitude, love and curiosity, but its hope and zest that really stand out.

So flipping the coin... are there traits that lead to "less happiness"? Yes there are: Modesty, Creativity, Judgement, Appreciation of Beauty, Love of learning and Prudence.

There are several studies that have lead to these conclusions, so its real.  My philosophy is to focus on the positives, if you want to have more happiness, focus on the hope and zest. And with that, I'm parachuting off a cliff edge, and hoping I won't die.

The Backlash

Its been one month since my last blog.  Not because I have been distracted or lazy. But I faced a backlash. Yes, you heard it right, my happiness project came under scrutiny and criticism and I was confronted and judged on every word written.

Believe it or not, this blog is not connected to any single person or group of persons. I was shocked and horrified to think that people have been reading it and making analogies to themselves. Its not about you. Its based on observations of my life and those around me. Again, its not about you.

So I made a firm decision to end my blog, as it was causing my pain and unhappiness, and hence my silence.  However, it was only after talking to a dear person that I changed my mind. I was asked what happened to my blog, and I described the backlash, then I started to say why it is I got the backlash. And as the words left  my mouth, I realised I could not end the blog.

Why would anyone be so upset about my happiness project? Is it really because they think its all about them? Or is it a general resentment to my happiness project?  And that's when it hit me, its the actual project? Perhaps these individuals are unhappy? They are unable to change their lives? Or to take control of their happiness or destiny? Or maybe that is what they perceive, and that is why the backlash.  Your happiness and your lives are in your hands, there is no such thing as a doomed situation. Don't critise my quest for happiness, you too can do the same.

So the blog is back on. Frankly  my advise is this: if you don't like what I write, don't click on the link

happy happy birthdays

Birthdays are over rated. That is the biggest conclusion reached for 2015. I always have such high expectations for my birthday, that it will be an ace day. And those around me try, they really do. But always, year on year, around that time, unexpected things happen out of my control that makes it suck.

So it took me a while to order my thoughts after my birthday to get writing again and to blog about it.  My birthday should make me happy. But it didn't.. and if I reflect, it rarely ever does. Is it because I need to try harder? Or is it because I need to face facts, birthdays do not equate happiness.

This notion got me thinking more, so many people around me do things because they think it makes them happy, but it ultimately does not. I see families going on family holidays so we bond better... and they all come back miserable. I see friends rushing round to pack their kids weekends with activities, but the kids are then knackered and moan all evening making everyone miserable.  I see big weddings, everyone getting stressed, this is "supposed to make us happy", but the result, everyone has fallen out and barely speaking to each other on the big day.  We look around us when seeking happiness, seeing what makes others happy and we start to imitate in the hope that this will fulfil our happiness.  That's ok, we only know and learn if we try. However we have to get to a point where we admit to ourselves some of things we are doing are not making us happy any longer, and to move on.  So part of the happiness project really is digging deep and admitting, birthdays might make some people happy, and might be the nicest days of the year for some, but not for me.

Catching on

The wheels of happiness pursuit is slowly taking off again, and although I've been absent for a while, happiness and well being are firmly in my pursuit path.

I've made some progress with the ultimate to do list but panic is starting to set in. Days away from my 37th birthday, I know I will have to pull out the stops to get all 40 items done before the big 4.0 creeps up. The category of "shopping" is complete, but perhaps that was the low hanging fruit. The "detox" category has also progressed well. But I still need to find the time to exercise my culinary cuisines and to work on my personal development.

Being a woman, I always doubt myself. I doubt my own abilities and successes, and I am sure this resonates with other women. Men don't have this problem from what I see. They have absolute conviction in themselves and often will over sell themselves. So doing the woman thing, I doubt this whole project and pursuit often and wonder if I'm just setting myself up for failure. And it was a little glimmer of hope that I stumbled along that I want to share with you, that has put me back on that path of well being. Here it is:

 

I found this in my daughters notebook a while back, and its her ten things to do before shes ten. I don't really speak to her about my happiness project, but she hears conversations I have with various people about it. Maybe its crazy for a 7 year old to have a to do list. Or maybe shes learning some lessons that will help her prosper in life. But it made me realise that when you publicly declare your own pursuit for happiness, you inevitably motivate those around you to think about it in some way of form. So surely there is benefit in that. I will let you know in 15 years time if my happiness pursuit helped my daughter. In the meantime, a phone before you're ten, over my dead body!

The Grass is Never Greener

Peculiar. That's the best way to sum up yesterday. Peculiar in many ways, but one phrase uttered to me particularly stuck in my memory.  I was asked a question, is it true that I have it made, always on cloud 9, or am I a really good actress?

Its peculiar as I really didn't know how to answer it. Do I really advertise myself as the perfect being? Is my blog portraying me as the Nigella Lawson of the Internet? I didn't want that to be the case. I have highlighted on here my struggles, my demons and my frustrations. And if anything, I would say perhaps I was more negative than positive. So it makes me think of the later part of the question, am I an actress? Am I a fraud who has fooled you all my readers, into believing that I am the goddess of happiness and bliss?

I sincerely hope not. My life is far from perfect, but maybe the difference between me and others is that I believe I have the power to change things around me, and I am dedicated to changing that. I read my blogs again. I don't think I ever portrayed myself to be a happiness fairy sprinkling happiness dust down your throats. Correct me if I'm wrong. But maybe, we as humans, have the tendency to look at others and think - I want that life.

Something I realised over 15 years ago was that the grass is never greener on the other side. You may think someone is perfect, with lovely children, lots of money, a devoted husband - but we are all real people with real problems, and we don't really know what is going on behind closed doors. Even with our closest friends and families. And I blame social media. Where its actually become a contest - look at this massive bunch of flowers my partner got me for no reason, look at the lovely neighbours I have, they all pitched in a tenner and bought me a Porsche... and we tend to use social media to brag and show to others what we have. Giving the perception that other peoples lives are better than our own.

But over the last 5 years in particular, as my friendship networks deepen, and I mature more. And I begin to see through the roses - I realise that even the most perfect people have problems far bigger than mine. And this is part of the epiphany needed to bring inner peace and happiness, stop looking at others with envy. Really, if we all had our problems in a heap, you'd take your own back any day.

hardwiring happiness

My happiness pursuit has been struggling of late. I need to get back on top of my ultimate to do list as I haven't made much progress there, so that is a task I have set myself for the upcoming weekend. My positive thinking has been shaken a little of late, but still the epiphany is firmly in place - you have the power to change yourself, so to change your circumstance.

But with this notion, I have realised that there is one large obstacle in all this - habits. We are all hardwired to do the same mundane tasks over and over again - most of us without thinking about them. If I think of myself - wake up, check phone; thinking hard - bite my nails; religiously clean the sink after washing up... Actually, when sitting down and actually thinking hard what your habits are - its hard to actually remember what they are.  I do think its the habits we hold that prevent us reaching happiness... but only if you realise what they are.

So to give myself some inspiration, I turned to my good old friend google and wanted to see what other peoples habits are so I can identify my own. Chocolate, salt, binging - for me all conquered. Spending money, facebook and the gym - irrelevant. No help what so ever, but I did find a lovely website of the 20 habits of happy people, and I thought perfect for my blog. Here it goes - if you want to be happy, follow these 20 habits:
1) Give to others
2) Nurture important relationships
3) love yourself
4) make a difference - do not make yourself popular
5) learn to say no
6) count your blessings - even when times are tough (it could be worse)
7) cultivate optimism
8)  be a humble life long learner
9) find ways to cope when times get tough
10) rejection is a protection from whats not meant to be
11) don't get embroiled in others pettiness
12) focus on the present
13) follow your dreams
14) prioritise - and stick to whats important
15) struggle - because it makes you stronger
16) take care of your physical health
17) spend money on experiences not material items
18) savour all your little joys
19) accept changes outside your control - some things are not meant to last
20) live the life you want to live

Upon reading that, I thought hey, I'm not doing so bad, I probably have touched on most of these topics in my blogs.  Instead of focussing on all your bad habits and trying to improve those, why not focus on your good habits and make sure you are living them everyday?

Taking Charge

My last blog played heavily on my mind this week. There are always individuals in your locality who are determined to put a dampener on your good fortune, mood or situation.  And this has really bothered me. In fact, I can go as far as saying that this is the biggest obstacle I am facing with my happiness project.

Now those who know me know that I am pretty focused and determined person, and so I put my mind into finding a solution to this. Surely I am not the only person who experiences this, and I started a comprehensive search of peoples experiences and thoughts.  Then I had the epiphany....

The only thing standing between me and my happiness project is just me. People will talk and bitch, but whether it upsets me or not is really my own fault. In every situation, I have a choice. I can choose to experience it negatively, or positively, or just ignore it altogether.  So people upsetting me is really my own fault, I am letting them. 

In your mind, nothing is impossible. You can achieve whatever you want, whether it be loose weight, a physical challenge, complete a difficult piece of work. I know I have taken my body and mind to extremes, and I can achieve more. The only thing that stops me is my own self telling me I can't.

Freeing your mind and taking charge of your fate is liberating. You can be physically restrained in your environment or limited, however nobody has any control over your mind, your feelings and your thoughts - in this realm, you are king. And this was my epiphany, I can train myself to react how I wish. 

Since my epiphany, I must say I have let alot of comments and situations just completely wash over me.  So the next challenge, can I sustain it?

Happiness Reactions

Its been almost a month since I last blogged.  I blame it on the Easter break, but no excuses really. Even though I have been absent from my writings, my happiness endeavour is clearly on my mind. My ultimate to do list is very much constantly on my mind and some aims are quick and easy whilst others need more time. I have visited one elderly person (4 more to go), bought a red leather jacket, halved my wardrobe space, thrown out my frumpy clothes, emptied one shelf of food from my kitchen cabinet and watched one movie out a hundred I need to see before my big 4.0 comes along.

So as I pursue happiness, and continue to read happiness articles and fill my life with positivity, a stark reality is beginning to set in. It seems like the happier you get, the more determined the people around seem to be to make you more miserable. Whether it be intentional or unintentional, its heartbreaking when there are people determined to make your life a misery. It could be the difficult colleague at work who has flared up, the comment that the dress you wanted will make you look fat, or the wrath of an angry neighbour who doesn't like your overgrown garden.  These are personal attacks that are inflicted and what is striking is that they almost always come from women.

I have touched on the way women tend to turn on one another before. I bet men do it too, but probably its not as subtle and tormenting as women do it.  But it bothers me. Why do women do this to each other, especially when we all face the common challenges of life together.  Is it hormonal? Is it jealousy? Is it just because you're having a bad day, so you take it out on the rest of us? And is that fair?

I am by no means perfect, but my female relationships are worth nurturing. Criticism is fine, it just needs to be communicated sensitively, and perhaps its that empathetic element that many lack?  Or maybe its a force of physics, to every action there is a reaction. Is it inevitable that as you get happier, you tend to notice the hostility more? 

However, what is also becoming clear from my happiness project is that I need to find a way to effectively deal with these.  Being a bitch back is just going to snowball - it requires thought and tact to tackle them. So part of happiness is also to find survival methods to combat your environment, and to implement those tools when needed.

International Day of Happiness

Tomorrow is the International Day of Happiness. Spring equinox, super moon, solar eclipse, its all happening tomorrow but its officially a time to think about happiness. I came to know about this on radio 4 this week, and the first thing that radio 4 did was compile a play list of songs to make us happy. If only they know... music whether it be happy or sad always makes people happy - its scientifically proven.

The happiness movement intrigued me so I wanted to find out what International Happiness Day is all about.  Although they give guidance to happiness, I was struck how happiness really centred around people and community. I think I addressed this before, I am an extrovert, I like people, I need people to make me happy.  But it seems we all need people to be happy. So the site suggests organising happiness flash mobs and happy spots in big cities around the work. Apparently, London, Amsterdam, Bucharest, Milan and Washington DC are all doing it. No sign of Cambridge. I was actually more intrigued in the term "happiness flash mob". I only came to know what a flash mob is recently when I went to see Nativity 3: Dude wheres my donkey last Christmas with my daughter, and it was all about flash mobs (sigh). So a happiness one is where you just agree to meet somewhere with hand written placards that may make passersby happy to inject a bit of happiness in peoples lives. Hmmmmmmmm....

Not sure what to make of it, but community features quite heavily in my own happiness endeavours. Making effort with friends and family, having people over for dinner more, making an effort with neighbours, volunteering are all pledges and aims I personally set for myself and it is important, because helping others makes us feel good about ourselves and happy.  I, on the other hand, am setting up my own one man happiness flash mob in market square on Saturday, at least when the men in white coats take me away, I will be happy.

The Age of Happiness

Making more of an effort, how am I getting on?  I can start seeing some sense in my new vision board, and doing well with my ultimate to do list with now 2 of the 40 items complete - as of last week, our home is now salt free.  Only 38 more tasks to go, but I do have several years to do it.

I began to wonder when happiness peaks on ones life and what are the measures of happiness at each stage in your life. As I was considering this, I thought it surely must be post retirement - when life has calmed down, you've learnt from mistakes and your financial burdens are over...

Oh was I wrong. Apparently, you are at the pinnacle of your happiness at the tender age of 34. The reason, its the age you marry, have children, get onto the property ladder, are comfortable meeting monthly repayments and are making decent strides in your career.  Yes, I can relate to that, but surely the goal posts for happiness move in different stages of your life? Surely at university, where life was carefree and one big party, that was happy? The flaw with this study is that they asked a bunch of over 40s and when trying to recall the happiest moments of my life, our minds always take us back to times when we were much happier THEN than now.  There is a certain degree of reminiscing about the past, and I guess if that's a human tendency - you can't really ask a dead person when they were most happiest.

I looked into more studies, and actually found that there is no magic age of happiness, at different stages of life there are elements of happiness.  So goal posts move, and that got me thinking more about my happiness project and the goals I've set - well they can move too surely with time? We change and evolve and its ok to decide that certain tasks are no longer making us happy?  So a key aspect of any happiness endeavour is to review and replace, and that's ok because it confirms you are still human and you are moving on.

Alone and Happy

Boohoo, I fail. I haven't blog for an age, and I only have myself and my laziness to blame for that. However, in the background I have been busy burrowing away at my happiness endeavours.  My pledges, how am I getting along with that?  I still fiddle too much with my phone - so I fail. I am probably sleeping more than I did before due to my extra long commute to work - so I fail again.  The chocolate I did reduce, binged again, but how am following the British Heart Foundations DeChox, and feeling fab - so one up for me.  To do lists - hmmm I seem to forget, but when I remember it does make me feel great. Being kind to others - certainly I do that more these days, so that's another one for me. Generally I think most people are beginning to feel happier as its heading towards spring, life evident poking from the ground and we are nearing the 13.9 degrees - the magic temperature. In addition, I have ticked off one thing on my ultimate to do list (40 things to do before I am 40) and got a full body massage, so although there is an absence online, happiness is very much on my radar.

It does bother me though as I was flicking through the happiness database about whether being married or single makes me happier that studies almost unanimously show that being married makes you happier. I tend to disagree on that notion for myself having sat on both sides of that fence.  I also wonder about my situation as a lone parent and look at the tiny blessings my daughter brings into my life and wonder if its her that makes me happier.  For those lone mothers reading this, being alone looking after children is certainly a challenge, and the sense of responsibility immense. However, I did find a study which addresses that and children do make single mothers happier than their childless counterparts.  It does acknowledge the challenges that lone parents face, but when a parent is alone with a child, that child becomes a focal point in the parents life. I can relate to that.

But although being a single parent makes you happy, and it makes me very happy, I know that I am faced with the stigma from society that brings me great unhappiness. The pity, or stereotypes I get from those around me, whether I know them or not doesn't just make me unhappy, it makes me furious.  The sympathetic looks of "there there, you'll find someone soon" enrages me, but it also saddens me and makes me think why do people say that? Is it envy? Or is it because marriage or cohabitation makes them happier?  And surely with the array of families now emerging in the 21st century, a single parent is quite tame?  I'll end it there before I keep ranting on and this turns from a happiness blog to a vent it out blog, and I guess I won't change society or how others see me. All I can do is have the confidence to just be me.

If you're happy and you know it....

Another week has flown by. I am now surrounding myself with happiness triggers and reminders. My new vision board is up, the ultimate to do list is written, and I have my smaller pledges, some of which I am doing better than others. The key to happiness is really dissecting your life into various segments - relationships, work, home, family, friends etc.. and to find a bit of happiness triggers in each to keep things in perspective.  I have touched on this in previous blogs, and I have been trying to fill my life with these triggers in all aspects.  And in particular, I feel work is an important one to stay happy in. Its where many of us spend most of our waking day, and being fufilled, forming friendships and feeling appreciated are all important in making our work day happier.

I am not much of a tv watcher. I am, however, an avid radio listener and devoted newspaper skimmer. It was during one of my skimming sessions that I came across an article about happiness that caught my eye. Hitachi  have a new wireless device that it gives to employees to wear and it measures their happiness.  Wanna see it? Here is it




Of course my first question was what are the happiness metrics? So many articles have been written on happiness and how to measure it and its a very difficult abstract measure that really only way to measure happiness is to ask people.  I was extremely curious how this abstract measure is now biometric, however Hitach will not disclose its secret. Apparently it records 50 data points per second all focussed around walking, talking, typing and nodding. And managers can see in real time how happy the staff are (erm... I can think of ONE manager who really needs to know this, not naming names).  Hitachi are actually going to sell this onto other employers, I wonder if it will take off?  So if you're happy and you know it... its likely your boss knew it first.


 

The Ultimate To Do List

I blogged a few months back about to do lists, and how it was something that made me really happy. I get great satisfaction ticking off things I have finished off - I am a finisher.  It was then that I got inspiration from my sister, a list of tasks that she would set herself, not boring household chores that I had on my to do list, she has swanky sexy stuff like buy a leather jacket and tell someone what you really think of them, and she gave herself a year to do them.

I saw her list and thought to myself "yes, I would like to do that" a sexy swanky list that I could acheieve, so here it is, my 40 things to do before I am 40.

Yes, I know I have maaaany years to go before I am 40 so I am pacing myself. I had to think hard of things I wanted to acheive. I am looking at this as an extension of my vision board, where am I going, what do I want to be in several years time. What do I want to try out that I haven't yet. Apparently they are called "bucket lists" and so I googled a few of them. Jump out of airplanes, hang off the Toronto tower, swim with dolphins.... not really my cup of tea.  According to the magazine cosmopolitan, I should "swim naked and let my lady parts float around" (really? mine will sink), "eat a whole cake" (done it, many times over), "spend more money than you should on vaccation" (don't we all do that anyway?) and "learn to make one full meal". Really? 40 and never made a meal, I knew that this was something I would have to do alone and search deep within.

So finally, after several weeks of compiling, emailing and consulting, the list is ready. In true scientific style, the ulitmate to do list is split into 9 segments that are

1) Shopping
2) DIY
3) Personal Development
4) Detox
5) Food
6) Travel
7) Money
8) Family/Friends
9) Community

Some aims are easy to do, but others are more difficult and will require some precision planning!!  I would share the list with you, but I won't - my mum reads my blog :-p

Visions for 2015

So, before I waffle on about happiness, databases, studies and proven concepts, I thought I would take out some time to finish off my vision board for 2015. Yes, its almost a month over due, but better late than never. In a previous blog, I discussed my vision board and how I felt it was instrumental in shaping my life in 2014 and help me take control of my life. So with that firmly in focus, the visions for 2015 are taking place. Here is my new board:

Unlike last years, this one, I think is quite feminine. There are obvious pictures of things I want to achieve this year (glamour is a very central theme), but other pictures were just quite random. This year, I also included quotes to keep me focused.

As I was cutting and sticking the last little bits and bobs after dinner last night, a curious little seven year old also wanted to know what I was doing, so I explained the vision board to her. Instantly she sat down beside me and started mauling magazines for pictures that she like. I want to share that with you too, my daughters vision board.

I looked at her creation and thought to myself there is alot I need to learn from that child - diamonds, sapphires and pearls being obviously her focus (why didn't I think of that!!). In either case, these are now being put up for both of us above our beds to ponder upon this upcoming year.  Lets see if our visions are realised.

happiness database

My happiness quest continues, despite rumours that this week had the most depressing day in the year on it (blue monday - apparently it was on the 19th of January - a day I was feeling quite Jovial actually).  Before I move onto my topic of the day, I wanted to say a massive thank you to all those people forwarding me happiness talks, quotes, articles and pictures, you are doing a splendid job helping me in my happiness project. Or you think I am a miserable git and sincerely need it. The optomist in me thinks the prior.

Whilst researching about happiness, I came across the happiness database that had some really interesting, and actually quite amusing happiness ideas. However, this massive study that was compiled really highlighted some important things for me.

1. Happiness is not comparative. It doesn't matter if your neighbour has more/less than you, it won't make you happier.
2. Happiness varies in your lifetime. Some moments make you happier than others. This means it is not genetic, its circumstantial.
3. The majority of mankind enjoys life. Unhappiness is the exception.
4. Happiness rises in modern societies - so the idea that modernisation is contributing to our misery is not true.

And others. However, I like this study, its comprehensive. It covers over 9000 studies, collated in over 150 nations, and its live and ongoing.

I guess thats reassuring, we are all programmed to be happy and we generally all believe that we are.  And its ok to sometimes feel unhappy. I will spend the next few blogs analysing the work of Professor Veenhoven at length, but for now, let me throw you a research finding:

"You tend to be happier if you think you're good looking, rather than if you actually, objectively speaking, are."

discuss!!

Human Happy

So for now, I won't stop blogging. It was an overwhelming "don't stop" from you, the audience, so its your own faults - I shall contiue. If you hate my blogs, tough, you had your chance to speak up.

So although seeking happiness might not be the right way of acheiving happiness, I don't think its wrong to analyse your own life and the happiness it brings, if for anything, then just to get to know yourself a bit more. SO on that note, I continue, analysing different aspects of my life and those around me.

This week has been a particulary happy one, new changes in my job have kicked in, its nice to do something different, and a great party last weekend certainly put a smile on my face. Going back to the party, I had a fab time, just being me and letting myself go, but I was certainly surprised by the reactions of those people around me. Seems like I can't dance and let myself go without being over analysed by those around me as being the life and soul of the party. Like I care, I know I am a party animal. And it makes me happy, but what it is that makes me happy. For sure, its the human contact with others. That makes me happy.

Easy to say for an extrovert like me. Actually, studies go back to 25 years ago where people have realised that extroverts are happier people than introverts.  The reasons why (according to the journal of Personality and Individiual Differences) is that extroverts are more social. And getting out more and doing more activities makes you happier. Sure, if I go through the people I know, the family and friends around, those who are introverts are less happy.  So basically, happiness could be in your genes.

So why not latch onto it. So first action plan to head to down the path of human happiness was to downsize my facebook account and to delete the app from my phone. Facebook isn't human contact, its a virtual human contact. Those friendships on there don't make you happy, its the face to face meet ups that do. And second action plan, meet more friends/family. Make time a few times a month for quality time. I guess even introverts have a few people that they feel most comfortable with and its good to home in on those and really nurture those relationships. Keep your treasures close.

Happy New Year

Yes, its been a while - its been the holiday season afterall!!  Generally, this time of year is a great one for happiness, Christmas and buying presents for loved ones confirms what I was saying in my previous blog posts - doing things for others makes you happy.

But then the new year comes along, and all around me I hear of all the pledges and resolutions people are making for the upcoming year (loosing weight is on top of everyones list it seems), and I like that positivity I see in people. The hopes and aspirations that everything will be good this year. This year, everything will be different, I will get to be a size 8....

And like every year, by the end of January, the hope is gone, and despair kicks in. Because the will power is down to zero, and all those aspirations instead of making us feel good, now make us feel bad.  This really makes me think about new years resolutions - often they are the same year on year, and often they fail.  I stopped making them years back.

A recent article in the Independent acknowledges this, and it kind of made me think about my own happiness adventure - is it like a news year resolution, and have I set myself up for disaster?  Is the actual fact of pursuing happiness bound to make me miserable in the longer term?  If you google "seeking happiness" and look at the images that emerge, its true - proverb after proverb says the same, seeking happiness is the path to unhappiness.  I am not really waiting for happiness to spring up on me, I am already happy, but my initial question was, could I be happier?  I know one of my first pledges was to keep this blog updated, and I haven't kept it updated as  much as I wanted to - that makes me feel bad. Do I need to break up my happiness quest into smaller pieces that are easier to pursue?  Do I need to give it up altogether - give me a week to think that through.