Happiness doubts

My first blog of 2016. If I were still working at GSK I would have been sacked already for not meeting my first quarter objective.  My blogs have been few and far between these months, but already 2016 is a year of great change. And I may not have been blogging, but my happiness project is still firmly in my mind.  I have finished more than a quarter of my ultimate to do list, focussing on some very difficult ones that are now done. And some promises I made to myself, regarding sleep, running and phone are more or less there. Of course, I can do more. We all can.

But of late, I have been thinking long and deep about happiness, and as a scientist, I have  massive issue with this. Just like I would be worried, in the lab, working on a project regarding pain, I find happiness a very abstract notion. There is no easy biochemical marker for happiness, how do we really know we are happy? Maybe, for example, I consider myself as happy, but maybe its all rubbish and in relation to others I am as miserable as they get? How do I know. When you tell me you're happy, how does that compare to me?  How can happiness be standardised? These thoughts have come into my mind a fair bit the last few months, but I have had to quickly banish them away.  Afterall, one of the key happiness hurdles is not to compare yourself to others.  Even the happiest people I know have their moments of doom and gloom.  Right now, sitting in my computer, I want to quantify my happiness, but I have no idea how to? 


According to the University of Stamford, you can quantify your happiness by two measures. Your state of mind and how well your life is going. The first concept, I find hard to answer, how happy is the state of mind.  Surely, you can say you're happy, you can convince others you are, but really are you? How do you know you really are?  How well your life is going is also an abstract concept, you start to compare yourself there, and that is a nono. 

So despite the demons, that I have yet to figure out how to solve,  my happiness project is still alive and running. Because it surely does more good than harm to be thinking carefully about my happiness and wellbeing.  So the blogs are back, especially now things have calmed down around me, so watch this space.

The Slippery Slope

Yes... my next few blogs are all going to be doom and gloom, some harsh realities about happiness. Last blog I touched on genetics, how you may actually be genetically incapable of being happy, there are real genes out there that are associated with happiness. This blog, lets face it, happiness is on the decline.

Life has gotten easier. Tasks that took us a whole day 50 years ago, now take us an hour at most. Think of the laundry, communicating with people, technology has enabled us to make things faster and quicker with little input from us.  Communication is key to happiness, friends and family makes us happy. Right now, I am sitting at the gymnasium waiting for my daughter to finish her gym class. Every single parent, albeit two (who are actually talking to each other) is plugged into an electronic devise of some sort. Including me.  But our addictions to WhatsApp and Facebook aren't making us happy, studies are all there to prove it.  We are becoming more and more miserable as a nation. You don't need the studies, ask any GP what they see coming into their surgeries. Depression is on the increase, more and more people are pill popping to keep them in some sort of meta-happy state.  Although life is technically easier, its not.

Never ever has more ever been expected from us as individuals and collectively as a society. Our every minutes have to be filled with some task. Yes, I have a spare 5 minutes, lets respond to emails, let me do my Sainsburys shopping, let me order a new door handle....  The definition of success:  money and power no longer works for us. Its exhausting us and making us more and more unhappy.  Who defined this success anyway? We all fight it amongst ourselves for the next promotion and the next better paid job. I am a complex being, surely my success is based on so much more than my work?


I have no solutions. I am still figuring this out for myself. But sometimes we need to slow down and almost stop. I am a hypocrite, I never slow down and never stop. Like one student once said to me "I'll rest when I die". But the problem is, if I don't rest, that route to death is going to be a very painful one.

Hard Wired

Yes, we are hard wired. I know that with myself, no matter how hard I try to be positive, when an emotion of disgust, shame, guilt, negativity, stress, anxiety, sadness, anger gets into my head, my head starts spinning. I start imagining scenarios and my thoughts go off in a tangent, the what ifs, the what coulds, the when wills......

I wanted to understand this phenomenon. I am pretty sure now, I am not the only one who experiences it. No matter how great my day has been, one snooty comment from one snooty mum at school and all I seem to focus on is the negative emotion.

Yes, this is a real emotion.  We experience it (yes all of us) because our brains are hard wired that way.  Its the way our brains keep us safe - we focus on the negative or alarming aspects of our lives to prepare ourselves for those scenarios.  So what to do?  Here is the three step solution:

1) Acknowledge to yourself this moment is difficult. This is the monumental point. When you acknowledge your difficulty, things instantly start to feel better.  Scientifically, this acknowledgement down regulates the alarm centre of the brain and calms you down.
2) Investigate the difficulty. Work out if there is anything you need to do to improve it.  Does it need a solution? Do you just need to time to get accustomed to it? Do you need to punch someone?  I wouldn't recommend the later, it could land you in prison!
3) Cast the net. And what else. Did the negative aspect teach you something? Has it made you realise what is going on?  What did you learn from it.

I think it makes sense. For me, the three step process is something I go through naturally, when I saw it written on paper it made sense.  So your anger is normal. Embrace it. Learn from it.

happiness database

My happiness quest continues, despite rumours that this week had the most depressing day in the year on it (blue monday - apparently it was on the 19th of January - a day I was feeling quite Jovial actually).  Before I move onto my topic of the day, I wanted to say a massive thank you to all those people forwarding me happiness talks, quotes, articles and pictures, you are doing a splendid job helping me in my happiness project. Or you think I am a miserable git and sincerely need it. The optomist in me thinks the prior.

Whilst researching about happiness, I came across the happiness database that had some really interesting, and actually quite amusing happiness ideas. However, this massive study that was compiled really highlighted some important things for me.

1. Happiness is not comparative. It doesn't matter if your neighbour has more/less than you, it won't make you happier.
2. Happiness varies in your lifetime. Some moments make you happier than others. This means it is not genetic, its circumstantial.
3. The majority of mankind enjoys life. Unhappiness is the exception.
4. Happiness rises in modern societies - so the idea that modernisation is contributing to our misery is not true.

And others. However, I like this study, its comprehensive. It covers over 9000 studies, collated in over 150 nations, and its live and ongoing.

I guess thats reassuring, we are all programmed to be happy and we generally all believe that we are.  And its ok to sometimes feel unhappy. I will spend the next few blogs analysing the work of Professor Veenhoven at length, but for now, let me throw you a research finding:

"You tend to be happier if you think you're good looking, rather than if you actually, objectively speaking, are."

discuss!!

digging deep

My current favourite quote.  I am finding myself having to revert to this quote quite a fair bit this week, and its only Tuesday. Yes, my little sparkles of happiness are rapidly eroding. My liberal carefree daily cycle to work has been replaced with being stuck in traffic in a tin can. My precious lab space - the zone in which I feel happiest has been eroded to half of what I had before, and frankly I have been struggling to find the happiness.  This moment, that I have been building slowly towards for the last 18 months is finally here - the site has finally closed (or is closing) in Cambridge, and we are being located 40 miles away.  Time to implement happiness project phase II.

Its  hard to stay positive and focussed when you're decontaminating an entire lab space, and watching thousands of pounds of chemicals and reagents being tipped into biohazard bags.  Its also hard to find the happiness when your closest friends at work - the sisterhood - have decided that this is the end for them, really leaving you alone to face the harsh truth.  So yes, dig deep.

phase II, what is it then?  Self analysis once again, but the big realisation, making other people happy actually makes me happy. It works for me. So of course my first guinea pig is the child. We played hide and seek, I let her "scare" me so she gets her kicks and we had a cuddle in bed until she fell asleep. That really brightened my day. Buying a coffee for colleauges at work, telling someone you care - seeing that smile that someone has did its magic.

There are actual studies to support this. In science there was an article about how spending on others makes you happier than spending on yourself. For someone like me, I relate to that. Whether its spending time or money, pampering others gives me a great deal of satisfaction - and especially with children, when you get very little back in return for it (in my case a cuddle is a rare commodity), I still don't mind.  Action plan for tomorrow - make someone happy, you might find it might just make you happy too.

sisterhood

I feel lucky to be a woman. Really I do. I know there is much gender inequality out there, and don't get me wrong, I am a feminist. But I still think we have special features that men just don't have - sisterhood.

Relationships that women have with other women fascinate me.  If I reflect upon my own life, my female friends are my rocks. Maybe its partly because I was brought up in a predominantly female household; the female relationships we form are special. Whether it be with family, friends, colleagues or neighbours. I have spent alot of time pondering over my own relationships with the women around me, and I have come to a conclusion: there are three catagories of female-female relationships.

The first - the inner circle. Of which there are just a very very few. Those people who probably know too much about your life. Those people you weep with, you rely on, you laugh with, you take criticism from. Those are the rare relationships, and every women for sure should have them. This inner circle seem never to upset you - even when they are your harshest critics.  Those are the people who make you happiest. And those are the people you need to keep close and invest in.

The second, the double edged sword. The women who you kind of say things to. But those also, after a long conversation, you leave feeling bad about yourself. And you don't really know how it all happened.  There is not much genuineness in their advice, you think they are your friend, but they are perhaps not. They are the predators who go for the kill. These are the women you have to stay clear from.

Then the third, the bitches. Never nice, always spiteful. Don't even go there and don't do it to yourself.

If the people around you are making you feel bad about yourself, then walk away. Life is too short.

Its the second group really that fascinates me. Why do us women do that to ourselves? Why are we just plain nasty to each other from time to time?  And its always the fattest of your friends who tells you you're fat, or the childless one who tells you how to raise your children, or the working mum who makes you feel guilty that you are working.  Is this just the way its always been?

I like to think not (the optomist in me!).  I like to think that there was a time, particularly in post-war Britain where women HAD to pull together and help each other and the bitching stopped. The reason, many husbands never came home, and there was no other choice. I turned to the internet to back my theory up, and was shocked at the responses. The close female relationship in category 1 is basically dead. Guardian, telegraph, its all there. Female friendships, of pure concern for each other is gone.

I, however, totally disagree, the female friend is still alive, I am the proof of that. And maybe thats why more and more people (or women) are unhappy, we have lost our close circle of friends. I certainly know that these people are central to my happiness project, so here I am reaching out to the world - stop being bitchy to your friends because you are insecure, because we all need that shoulder to lean on every now and then.

Managing the bad

Its been a long while. I know. I haven't found it in me to write my blog. My happiness project is waning. I know why. There is too much going on in my life that its sucking out the time to enjoy the things i need to make me happy.  I am going through changes in practically every aspect of my life. This has left a cleft of uncertainty in my mind, and happiness is certainly the last thing on my mind.

So with much activation energy, I am sitting here tonight wondering how it is you need to combat the blues.  We are all going to have times in our lives where we feel down, unmotivated and where we loose focus. The happiness project hasn't eliminated those, but there must be a way to manage this. It might not just be feeling down because of the pressures of life, but you might have a sudden traumatic shock that you weren't expecting, how do you manage this when your aims are to stay happy and focussed?

This is a difficult issue to address, and I can't claim I have the answers either.  I tried to google it. I got nonsense most of the time, talk, find the positive things again in your life. Too airy fairy for my liking. However what started to catch my eye was other peoples blogs on their personal journeys and this really sucked me in.  These seem to be the key facts of bouncing back:

1) ask for help. ESPECIALLY if you are one of those people (like me) who never do. Having friends to lean on in times of need is priceless.

2) fake it. Apparently, putting on a big smile and pretending everything is ok actually helps the recovery process.  Certainly I felt that believing that you will get better and convincing yourself that things will change helps. I find a little memory helps me to remember this - like wearing a bracelet or ring to remind me...

3) Reminders. Every morning wake up and think of three things that will remind you of being happy. Starting your day happy does have rippling effects throughout the day.

4) Cry. Yes it helps weep like a baby and get it out. But then re-compose yourself and inspire yourself. When you hit rock bottom there is only one way - up!

5) Know your worst case scenario. This helps you to manage your expectations.  When you have already replayed how bad it can get, it doesn't feel so bad anymore.

I also saw this quote which helped me too. I know i don't do quotes, but this one inspired me:





I am going to bookmark this page of my blog. There will be times that will be hard and I have to refer to this page to pull myself out of it. One thing is never to feel alone, there are many people out there who care and want to help. While you may only be one person in this world, you may be the world to one person.