Nation Happy

It seems very much that everyone is onto this happiness malachy.  A few months ago, the UAE appointed a "happiness minister" who was to look at ways of improving the happiness of the nation. "Les Happiness" workshops have already commenced.  I shrugged it off.  Then within the last two weeks, India, Bhutan and Venezuela have all followed suit.  This is not something to ignore, happiness awareness is certainly on the rise, and coming to a parliament near you.... soon.



Nevertheless, Nations' happiness has been on the agenda for decades, and countries are often ranked in order of their happiness.  India's ministry of happiness came after Pakistan came higher in the ranks than India - causing national outrage.  However time and time again, its Denmark that comes top of the list of happy nations.  All the Danes I know are miserable as hell.  Is it because they are in England and yearn to be back in Denmark?  To further explain this, I was given a book by a good friend that I chose to read to understand the secrets of Danish happiness.  High taxes, great social welfare, low numbers at church, brilliant childcare, rubbish food, unless you're from Copenhagen.... how can all these lead to happiness?  I can see the social welfare and childcare making me happy, but the higher taxes don't.   And studies have shown that religion makes society happier. So to put my theory to the test, I picked one of the few Danes I know and started to quiz them about the Danish way.  As usual, he grumbled and grumbled how much Cambridge sucks, the rents are too high, house prices are higher, what is your public transport like (erm that's why we cycle!).  So what made Denmark better I asked?  Well, when the bus says its coming at 07:29, it comes at 07:29. Period. It's the order and structure and that this is honoured in every corner of their lives that makes them happy. So the government can take 50% of their salaries as tax, they think its a bargain for the level of service they are getting.  Order. Hmmm, I can subscribe to that. That would make me happy.

I guess I owe it to my happiness project to plan my next holiday to Denmark to see what the big deal is?  I can already foresee that the Danish Pastries will make me very happy, but the Leverpostej certainly will not.

Happiness doubts

My first blog of 2016. If I were still working at GSK I would have been sacked already for not meeting my first quarter objective.  My blogs have been few and far between these months, but already 2016 is a year of great change. And I may not have been blogging, but my happiness project is still firmly in my mind.  I have finished more than a quarter of my ultimate to do list, focussing on some very difficult ones that are now done. And some promises I made to myself, regarding sleep, running and phone are more or less there. Of course, I can do more. We all can.

But of late, I have been thinking long and deep about happiness, and as a scientist, I have  massive issue with this. Just like I would be worried, in the lab, working on a project regarding pain, I find happiness a very abstract notion. There is no easy biochemical marker for happiness, how do we really know we are happy? Maybe, for example, I consider myself as happy, but maybe its all rubbish and in relation to others I am as miserable as they get? How do I know. When you tell me you're happy, how does that compare to me?  How can happiness be standardised? These thoughts have come into my mind a fair bit the last few months, but I have had to quickly banish them away.  Afterall, one of the key happiness hurdles is not to compare yourself to others.  Even the happiest people I know have their moments of doom and gloom.  Right now, sitting in my computer, I want to quantify my happiness, but I have no idea how to? 


According to the University of Stamford, you can quantify your happiness by two measures. Your state of mind and how well your life is going. The first concept, I find hard to answer, how happy is the state of mind.  Surely, you can say you're happy, you can convince others you are, but really are you? How do you know you really are?  How well your life is going is also an abstract concept, you start to compare yourself there, and that is a nono. 

So despite the demons, that I have yet to figure out how to solve,  my happiness project is still alive and running. Because it surely does more good than harm to be thinking carefully about my happiness and wellbeing.  So the blogs are back, especially now things have calmed down around me, so watch this space.

The Slippery Slope

Yes... my next few blogs are all going to be doom and gloom, some harsh realities about happiness. Last blog I touched on genetics, how you may actually be genetically incapable of being happy, there are real genes out there that are associated with happiness. This blog, lets face it, happiness is on the decline.

Life has gotten easier. Tasks that took us a whole day 50 years ago, now take us an hour at most. Think of the laundry, communicating with people, technology has enabled us to make things faster and quicker with little input from us.  Communication is key to happiness, friends and family makes us happy. Right now, I am sitting at the gymnasium waiting for my daughter to finish her gym class. Every single parent, albeit two (who are actually talking to each other) is plugged into an electronic devise of some sort. Including me.  But our addictions to WhatsApp and Facebook aren't making us happy, studies are all there to prove it.  We are becoming more and more miserable as a nation. You don't need the studies, ask any GP what they see coming into their surgeries. Depression is on the increase, more and more people are pill popping to keep them in some sort of meta-happy state.  Although life is technically easier, its not.

Never ever has more ever been expected from us as individuals and collectively as a society. Our every minutes have to be filled with some task. Yes, I have a spare 5 minutes, lets respond to emails, let me do my Sainsburys shopping, let me order a new door handle....  The definition of success:  money and power no longer works for us. Its exhausting us and making us more and more unhappy.  Who defined this success anyway? We all fight it amongst ourselves for the next promotion and the next better paid job. I am a complex being, surely my success is based on so much more than my work?


I have no solutions. I am still figuring this out for myself. But sometimes we need to slow down and almost stop. I am a hypocrite, I never slow down and never stop. Like one student once said to me "I'll rest when I die". But the problem is, if I don't rest, that route to death is going to be a very painful one.

Hard Wired

Yes, we are hard wired. I know that with myself, no matter how hard I try to be positive, when an emotion of disgust, shame, guilt, negativity, stress, anxiety, sadness, anger gets into my head, my head starts spinning. I start imagining scenarios and my thoughts go off in a tangent, the what ifs, the what coulds, the when wills......

I wanted to understand this phenomenon. I am pretty sure now, I am not the only one who experiences it. No matter how great my day has been, one snooty comment from one snooty mum at school and all I seem to focus on is the negative emotion.

Yes, this is a real emotion.  We experience it (yes all of us) because our brains are hard wired that way.  Its the way our brains keep us safe - we focus on the negative or alarming aspects of our lives to prepare ourselves for those scenarios.  So what to do?  Here is the three step solution:

1) Acknowledge to yourself this moment is difficult. This is the monumental point. When you acknowledge your difficulty, things instantly start to feel better.  Scientifically, this acknowledgement down regulates the alarm centre of the brain and calms you down.
2) Investigate the difficulty. Work out if there is anything you need to do to improve it.  Does it need a solution? Do you just need to time to get accustomed to it? Do you need to punch someone?  I wouldn't recommend the later, it could land you in prison!
3) Cast the net. And what else. Did the negative aspect teach you something? Has it made you realise what is going on?  What did you learn from it.

I think it makes sense. For me, the three step process is something I go through naturally, when I saw it written on paper it made sense.  So your anger is normal. Embrace it. Learn from it.

Chasing Happiness

And so my pursuit continues. I purposely chose my bucket list to be as diverse as possible giving me the chance to sample new things that might add some happiness in my life. I was very surprised that my "learn a new musical instrument" one is the one so far that gives me so much happiness. Even when I am feeling down and annoyed, I pick up my instrument and all of a sudden all is forgotten. The morale - try something new and wacky - you never know to which mental state of mind it might take you.

There has been articles this week specifically about the happiness trail and pursuit.  I think I may have eluded to this in a previous blog, but the more you chase happiness, the more it runs away from you.  I read the article. I re-read it. I can't say I totally agree with it....

Chasing happiness. Wanting to be happy. What does that mean? Does that mean I am always happy? Am I not allowed to be sad at all?  If you think this, then the happiness project is doom. Part of being happy is also being sad. After sadness, you know what true happiness is.  If you are looking for the ideal life, then you are up for a disappointment, because life is a journey. And happiness is a journey too.  Chasing happiness means chasing sadness and disappointment too.  The happiness project was never intended so that I am happy ALL the time, its just a means to make me more aware of myself and my own mental state of mind. If you accept this, then go on, chase your happiness rainbow, and don't let those miserable journalists get you down :-)

One Year On....

I'm back from a summer of fun and frolic.... and its also one year since starting my blog. So I dedicate this blog entry to reviewing the happiness project, now I have a more comprehensive overview of it.

The question I get asked, Am I Happier?  Yes, I certainly am. The very notion of writing a blog on happiness, thinking constantly about my happiness and well being automatically makes me happier. Yes, I have my down moments, we all do. That's ok, we are allowed to have those. Sometimes those down moments result in a friend reaching out, or ends in a happy memory. Seldom to sad memories remain like that. 

The blog has forced me to look into happiness at depth; to look at studies that are published in peer reviewed journals, at personal entries from people, scathe through newspapers clippings. There is one thing to be send, being happy is certainly a very popular item of study. But with one fundamental flaw, there is no measure of happiness.

Reviewing my own progress, the ultimate to do list, the vision board and the blog its self have been very positive. I would certainly recommend them. However, there is one thing that I am sure is hindering my happiness, and that is my smart phone.  My constant need to check my phone and be permanently connected to my emails..... this is something only I can sort out with my own willpower.

So I go in full circle, one of my first happiness endeavours 1 year ago was to drop the smartphone and still I haven't been able to.  This is something that I am working on. And whilst my daughter of 8 has now completed 40% of her to do list, I have only completed only 17% of it. That is something I need to work towards.

Keep reading, I will keep updating you with new pieces of research that I stumble upon, thank you to family and friends for forwarding articles, quotes, pictures relating to happiness, and keep them coming.

Catching on

The wheels of happiness pursuit is slowly taking off again, and although I've been absent for a while, happiness and well being are firmly in my pursuit path.

I've made some progress with the ultimate to do list but panic is starting to set in. Days away from my 37th birthday, I know I will have to pull out the stops to get all 40 items done before the big 4.0 creeps up. The category of "shopping" is complete, but perhaps that was the low hanging fruit. The "detox" category has also progressed well. But I still need to find the time to exercise my culinary cuisines and to work on my personal development.

Being a woman, I always doubt myself. I doubt my own abilities and successes, and I am sure this resonates with other women. Men don't have this problem from what I see. They have absolute conviction in themselves and often will over sell themselves. So doing the woman thing, I doubt this whole project and pursuit often and wonder if I'm just setting myself up for failure. And it was a little glimmer of hope that I stumbled along that I want to share with you, that has put me back on that path of well being. Here it is:

 

I found this in my daughters notebook a while back, and its her ten things to do before shes ten. I don't really speak to her about my happiness project, but she hears conversations I have with various people about it. Maybe its crazy for a 7 year old to have a to do list. Or maybe shes learning some lessons that will help her prosper in life. But it made me realise that when you publicly declare your own pursuit for happiness, you inevitably motivate those around you to think about it in some way of form. So surely there is benefit in that. I will let you know in 15 years time if my happiness pursuit helped my daughter. In the meantime, a phone before you're ten, over my dead body!

Taking Charge

My last blog played heavily on my mind this week. There are always individuals in your locality who are determined to put a dampener on your good fortune, mood or situation.  And this has really bothered me. In fact, I can go as far as saying that this is the biggest obstacle I am facing with my happiness project.

Now those who know me know that I am pretty focused and determined person, and so I put my mind into finding a solution to this. Surely I am not the only person who experiences this, and I started a comprehensive search of peoples experiences and thoughts.  Then I had the epiphany....

The only thing standing between me and my happiness project is just me. People will talk and bitch, but whether it upsets me or not is really my own fault. In every situation, I have a choice. I can choose to experience it negatively, or positively, or just ignore it altogether.  So people upsetting me is really my own fault, I am letting them. 

In your mind, nothing is impossible. You can achieve whatever you want, whether it be loose weight, a physical challenge, complete a difficult piece of work. I know I have taken my body and mind to extremes, and I can achieve more. The only thing that stops me is my own self telling me I can't.

Freeing your mind and taking charge of your fate is liberating. You can be physically restrained in your environment or limited, however nobody has any control over your mind, your feelings and your thoughts - in this realm, you are king. And this was my epiphany, I can train myself to react how I wish. 

Since my epiphany, I must say I have let alot of comments and situations just completely wash over me.  So the next challenge, can I sustain it?

Happiness Reactions

Its been almost a month since I last blogged.  I blame it on the Easter break, but no excuses really. Even though I have been absent from my writings, my happiness endeavour is clearly on my mind. My ultimate to do list is very much constantly on my mind and some aims are quick and easy whilst others need more time. I have visited one elderly person (4 more to go), bought a red leather jacket, halved my wardrobe space, thrown out my frumpy clothes, emptied one shelf of food from my kitchen cabinet and watched one movie out a hundred I need to see before my big 4.0 comes along.

So as I pursue happiness, and continue to read happiness articles and fill my life with positivity, a stark reality is beginning to set in. It seems like the happier you get, the more determined the people around seem to be to make you more miserable. Whether it be intentional or unintentional, its heartbreaking when there are people determined to make your life a misery. It could be the difficult colleague at work who has flared up, the comment that the dress you wanted will make you look fat, or the wrath of an angry neighbour who doesn't like your overgrown garden.  These are personal attacks that are inflicted and what is striking is that they almost always come from women.

I have touched on the way women tend to turn on one another before. I bet men do it too, but probably its not as subtle and tormenting as women do it.  But it bothers me. Why do women do this to each other, especially when we all face the common challenges of life together.  Is it hormonal? Is it jealousy? Is it just because you're having a bad day, so you take it out on the rest of us? And is that fair?

I am by no means perfect, but my female relationships are worth nurturing. Criticism is fine, it just needs to be communicated sensitively, and perhaps its that empathetic element that many lack?  Or maybe its a force of physics, to every action there is a reaction. Is it inevitable that as you get happier, you tend to notice the hostility more? 

However, what is also becoming clear from my happiness project is that I need to find a way to effectively deal with these.  Being a bitch back is just going to snowball - it requires thought and tact to tackle them. So part of happiness is also to find survival methods to combat your environment, and to implement those tools when needed.

International Day of Happiness

Tomorrow is the International Day of Happiness. Spring equinox, super moon, solar eclipse, its all happening tomorrow but its officially a time to think about happiness. I came to know about this on radio 4 this week, and the first thing that radio 4 did was compile a play list of songs to make us happy. If only they know... music whether it be happy or sad always makes people happy - its scientifically proven.

The happiness movement intrigued me so I wanted to find out what International Happiness Day is all about.  Although they give guidance to happiness, I was struck how happiness really centred around people and community. I think I addressed this before, I am an extrovert, I like people, I need people to make me happy.  But it seems we all need people to be happy. So the site suggests organising happiness flash mobs and happy spots in big cities around the work. Apparently, London, Amsterdam, Bucharest, Milan and Washington DC are all doing it. No sign of Cambridge. I was actually more intrigued in the term "happiness flash mob". I only came to know what a flash mob is recently when I went to see Nativity 3: Dude wheres my donkey last Christmas with my daughter, and it was all about flash mobs (sigh). So a happiness one is where you just agree to meet somewhere with hand written placards that may make passersby happy to inject a bit of happiness in peoples lives. Hmmmmmmmm....

Not sure what to make of it, but community features quite heavily in my own happiness endeavours. Making effort with friends and family, having people over for dinner more, making an effort with neighbours, volunteering are all pledges and aims I personally set for myself and it is important, because helping others makes us feel good about ourselves and happy.  I, on the other hand, am setting up my own one man happiness flash mob in market square on Saturday, at least when the men in white coats take me away, I will be happy.

The Age of Happiness

Making more of an effort, how am I getting on?  I can start seeing some sense in my new vision board, and doing well with my ultimate to do list with now 2 of the 40 items complete - as of last week, our home is now salt free.  Only 38 more tasks to go, but I do have several years to do it.

I began to wonder when happiness peaks on ones life and what are the measures of happiness at each stage in your life. As I was considering this, I thought it surely must be post retirement - when life has calmed down, you've learnt from mistakes and your financial burdens are over...

Oh was I wrong. Apparently, you are at the pinnacle of your happiness at the tender age of 34. The reason, its the age you marry, have children, get onto the property ladder, are comfortable meeting monthly repayments and are making decent strides in your career.  Yes, I can relate to that, but surely the goal posts for happiness move in different stages of your life? Surely at university, where life was carefree and one big party, that was happy? The flaw with this study is that they asked a bunch of over 40s and when trying to recall the happiest moments of my life, our minds always take us back to times when we were much happier THEN than now.  There is a certain degree of reminiscing about the past, and I guess if that's a human tendency - you can't really ask a dead person when they were most happiest.

I looked into more studies, and actually found that there is no magic age of happiness, at different stages of life there are elements of happiness.  So goal posts move, and that got me thinking more about my happiness project and the goals I've set - well they can move too surely with time? We change and evolve and its ok to decide that certain tasks are no longer making us happy?  So a key aspect of any happiness endeavour is to review and replace, and that's ok because it confirms you are still human and you are moving on.

The Ultimate To Do List

I blogged a few months back about to do lists, and how it was something that made me really happy. I get great satisfaction ticking off things I have finished off - I am a finisher.  It was then that I got inspiration from my sister, a list of tasks that she would set herself, not boring household chores that I had on my to do list, she has swanky sexy stuff like buy a leather jacket and tell someone what you really think of them, and she gave herself a year to do them.

I saw her list and thought to myself "yes, I would like to do that" a sexy swanky list that I could acheieve, so here it is, my 40 things to do before I am 40.

Yes, I know I have maaaany years to go before I am 40 so I am pacing myself. I had to think hard of things I wanted to acheive. I am looking at this as an extension of my vision board, where am I going, what do I want to be in several years time. What do I want to try out that I haven't yet. Apparently they are called "bucket lists" and so I googled a few of them. Jump out of airplanes, hang off the Toronto tower, swim with dolphins.... not really my cup of tea.  According to the magazine cosmopolitan, I should "swim naked and let my lady parts float around" (really? mine will sink), "eat a whole cake" (done it, many times over), "spend more money than you should on vaccation" (don't we all do that anyway?) and "learn to make one full meal". Really? 40 and never made a meal, I knew that this was something I would have to do alone and search deep within.

So finally, after several weeks of compiling, emailing and consulting, the list is ready. In true scientific style, the ulitmate to do list is split into 9 segments that are

1) Shopping
2) DIY
3) Personal Development
4) Detox
5) Food
6) Travel
7) Money
8) Family/Friends
9) Community

Some aims are easy to do, but others are more difficult and will require some precision planning!!  I would share the list with you, but I won't - my mum reads my blog :-p

happiness database

My happiness quest continues, despite rumours that this week had the most depressing day in the year on it (blue monday - apparently it was on the 19th of January - a day I was feeling quite Jovial actually).  Before I move onto my topic of the day, I wanted to say a massive thank you to all those people forwarding me happiness talks, quotes, articles and pictures, you are doing a splendid job helping me in my happiness project. Or you think I am a miserable git and sincerely need it. The optomist in me thinks the prior.

Whilst researching about happiness, I came across the happiness database that had some really interesting, and actually quite amusing happiness ideas. However, this massive study that was compiled really highlighted some important things for me.

1. Happiness is not comparative. It doesn't matter if your neighbour has more/less than you, it won't make you happier.
2. Happiness varies in your lifetime. Some moments make you happier than others. This means it is not genetic, its circumstantial.
3. The majority of mankind enjoys life. Unhappiness is the exception.
4. Happiness rises in modern societies - so the idea that modernisation is contributing to our misery is not true.

And others. However, I like this study, its comprehensive. It covers over 9000 studies, collated in over 150 nations, and its live and ongoing.

I guess thats reassuring, we are all programmed to be happy and we generally all believe that we are.  And its ok to sometimes feel unhappy. I will spend the next few blogs analysing the work of Professor Veenhoven at length, but for now, let me throw you a research finding:

"You tend to be happier if you think you're good looking, rather than if you actually, objectively speaking, are."

discuss!!

Achieving Happiness

Yes, its been a while (again) and I apologise for that. Its been a whirlwind of a few weeks and although the happiness project has been wanning for a while - its heading back on course. What put it back into action - achievement.

So that's the topic of this blog, how to find those little parcels of happiness to lift you up to euphoria?  Although this might not work for everyone reading this, but setting yourself a task and achieving it certainly did it for me. This task was a biggie - find a job, and through weeks of what felt like banging my head against a brick wall, I finally got there. But it needn't be so large. I find even little tasks once done make me happy - clear out a cupboard, finish a craft project, sort out my paperwork. And what I love more than anything in the world - to do lists. Putting a line through a done job is a fabulous feeling.

I have heard people grumble about to do lists and  how they make them unhappy. My advice - break up the tasks into smaller chunks.  Then only set yourself a few tasks per day, so you are achieving 80% of what you wanted to. Its good not to achieve that other 20% - that keeps you in the knowledge that you are stretching yourself and improving. I googled to do lists to see what the wider internet community thought - yes, to do lists are definitely a feel good action.  In fact some bloggers say do away with the to do list and make a done list - things you have achieved already. I know myself that I am task orientated and I like the challenge of a to do list, but if you find that this gets you down, the done list is probably more your thing.

So - to keep me on my toes a little, my daily task is to compile a to do list. Just a list of 2-3 things that I need to do every evening, like fold the washing, empty the bins etc... but that should give me the sense of achievement and that sense of accomplishment.  After all, if you want to achieve happiness you need to achieve?

Money Happy

I am thrilled when I do my searches that so many people have taken a scientific approach to happiness. Not bloggers ofcourse, but there is much research where how happy you are (a relative term) actually has been given a figure and value. 

So its to science I turn when I want to figure out, does money make us happy? The earthy ones among you will say no, the materialistic of you will say yes. My feelings are mixed.  In Gretchen Rubins book, The Happiness Project she says yes, money makes you happy. Only because it allows you to occasionally treat yourself and that adds to happiness.

I've often wondered this. I know I am not poor, but I don't really want more money. I do think I get to do all the things I love on the money I am on - travel, hobbies, going out, visiting family/friends. And although I can be a bit frugal with money, I just think thats who I am, having more money won't change that - I will just end up saving more.

In PNAS there was an article published on income and happiness. When the wealth of a nation increases, the happiness does not.  This can be seen with Latin American and Eastern European countries where happiness did not improve when these countries came out of poverty.  I don't think the article addressed other apsects of peoples lives that measure happiness. Although I cannot comment on these countries, I know in Iraq, the country of my roots and where I have had the opportunity to speak to a variety of people in, the increased wealth of the nation post US led invasion did not lead to happiness because it increased the instability of the country.  Personally, I know people are happier that they are wealthier and they don't need to worry about their next meal, but I think peoples happiness are more complex than a linear measure of money vs how happy people say they are on a survey.

It was only when I came to read another article that I thought it made more sense. Money is relative. If you feel that you are earning more than your peers than you tend to feel happier. If you feel that you are earning less than your peers, you are unhappy.  Its easy to say to people not to compare yourself we do, but we all unconsciously do so. 

Does money buy happiness?  I agree with Gretchen Rubin, it buys you treats - when used occasionally bring little bouts of happiness. However, more wealth isn't necessarily going to make you happier. If you are miserable about how much money you take home every month, getting more isn't going to make you happier, because it all depends who you are comparing yourself to.  If I were you, I'd start making friends with people who earn less than you, that might make you feel happier :-)

digging deep

My current favourite quote.  I am finding myself having to revert to this quote quite a fair bit this week, and its only Tuesday. Yes, my little sparkles of happiness are rapidly eroding. My liberal carefree daily cycle to work has been replaced with being stuck in traffic in a tin can. My precious lab space - the zone in which I feel happiest has been eroded to half of what I had before, and frankly I have been struggling to find the happiness.  This moment, that I have been building slowly towards for the last 18 months is finally here - the site has finally closed (or is closing) in Cambridge, and we are being located 40 miles away.  Time to implement happiness project phase II.

Its  hard to stay positive and focussed when you're decontaminating an entire lab space, and watching thousands of pounds of chemicals and reagents being tipped into biohazard bags.  Its also hard to find the happiness when your closest friends at work - the sisterhood - have decided that this is the end for them, really leaving you alone to face the harsh truth.  So yes, dig deep.

phase II, what is it then?  Self analysis once again, but the big realisation, making other people happy actually makes me happy. It works for me. So of course my first guinea pig is the child. We played hide and seek, I let her "scare" me so she gets her kicks and we had a cuddle in bed until she fell asleep. That really brightened my day. Buying a coffee for colleauges at work, telling someone you care - seeing that smile that someone has did its magic.

There are actual studies to support this. In science there was an article about how spending on others makes you happier than spending on yourself. For someone like me, I relate to that. Whether its spending time or money, pampering others gives me a great deal of satisfaction - and especially with children, when you get very little back in return for it (in my case a cuddle is a rare commodity), I still don't mind.  Action plan for tomorrow - make someone happy, you might find it might just make you happy too.

sisterhood

I feel lucky to be a woman. Really I do. I know there is much gender inequality out there, and don't get me wrong, I am a feminist. But I still think we have special features that men just don't have - sisterhood.

Relationships that women have with other women fascinate me.  If I reflect upon my own life, my female friends are my rocks. Maybe its partly because I was brought up in a predominantly female household; the female relationships we form are special. Whether it be with family, friends, colleagues or neighbours. I have spent alot of time pondering over my own relationships with the women around me, and I have come to a conclusion: there are three catagories of female-female relationships.

The first - the inner circle. Of which there are just a very very few. Those people who probably know too much about your life. Those people you weep with, you rely on, you laugh with, you take criticism from. Those are the rare relationships, and every women for sure should have them. This inner circle seem never to upset you - even when they are your harshest critics.  Those are the people who make you happiest. And those are the people you need to keep close and invest in.

The second, the double edged sword. The women who you kind of say things to. But those also, after a long conversation, you leave feeling bad about yourself. And you don't really know how it all happened.  There is not much genuineness in their advice, you think they are your friend, but they are perhaps not. They are the predators who go for the kill. These are the women you have to stay clear from.

Then the third, the bitches. Never nice, always spiteful. Don't even go there and don't do it to yourself.

If the people around you are making you feel bad about yourself, then walk away. Life is too short.

Its the second group really that fascinates me. Why do us women do that to ourselves? Why are we just plain nasty to each other from time to time?  And its always the fattest of your friends who tells you you're fat, or the childless one who tells you how to raise your children, or the working mum who makes you feel guilty that you are working.  Is this just the way its always been?

I like to think not (the optomist in me!).  I like to think that there was a time, particularly in post-war Britain where women HAD to pull together and help each other and the bitching stopped. The reason, many husbands never came home, and there was no other choice. I turned to the internet to back my theory up, and was shocked at the responses. The close female relationship in category 1 is basically dead. Guardian, telegraph, its all there. Female friendships, of pure concern for each other is gone.

I, however, totally disagree, the female friend is still alive, I am the proof of that. And maybe thats why more and more people (or women) are unhappy, we have lost our close circle of friends. I certainly know that these people are central to my happiness project, so here I am reaching out to the world - stop being bitchy to your friends because you are insecure, because we all need that shoulder to lean on every now and then.

Managing the bad

Its been a long while. I know. I haven't found it in me to write my blog. My happiness project is waning. I know why. There is too much going on in my life that its sucking out the time to enjoy the things i need to make me happy.  I am going through changes in practically every aspect of my life. This has left a cleft of uncertainty in my mind, and happiness is certainly the last thing on my mind.

So with much activation energy, I am sitting here tonight wondering how it is you need to combat the blues.  We are all going to have times in our lives where we feel down, unmotivated and where we loose focus. The happiness project hasn't eliminated those, but there must be a way to manage this. It might not just be feeling down because of the pressures of life, but you might have a sudden traumatic shock that you weren't expecting, how do you manage this when your aims are to stay happy and focussed?

This is a difficult issue to address, and I can't claim I have the answers either.  I tried to google it. I got nonsense most of the time, talk, find the positive things again in your life. Too airy fairy for my liking. However what started to catch my eye was other peoples blogs on their personal journeys and this really sucked me in.  These seem to be the key facts of bouncing back:

1) ask for help. ESPECIALLY if you are one of those people (like me) who never do. Having friends to lean on in times of need is priceless.

2) fake it. Apparently, putting on a big smile and pretending everything is ok actually helps the recovery process.  Certainly I felt that believing that you will get better and convincing yourself that things will change helps. I find a little memory helps me to remember this - like wearing a bracelet or ring to remind me...

3) Reminders. Every morning wake up and think of three things that will remind you of being happy. Starting your day happy does have rippling effects throughout the day.

4) Cry. Yes it helps weep like a baby and get it out. But then re-compose yourself and inspire yourself. When you hit rock bottom there is only one way - up!

5) Know your worst case scenario. This helps you to manage your expectations.  When you have already replayed how bad it can get, it doesn't feel so bad anymore.

I also saw this quote which helped me too. I know i don't do quotes, but this one inspired me:





I am going to bookmark this page of my blog. There will be times that will be hard and I have to refer to this page to pull myself out of it. One thing is never to feel alone, there are many people out there who care and want to help. While you may only be one person in this world, you may be the world to one person.

The Happiness Diary

True to my word, I am now back after 7 days.  Over the last 7 days I kept a happiness diary working out my moods throughout the day over a seven day period to see, as said in my last blog, if my mood changes throughout the day.  It does.

But not in the same way as the previous blog suggests. I have discovered alot about myself in the meantime.  Firstly, I am definitely a morning person. Never had any grumpiness in the morning. And the second thing, is that throughout the day, my mood is quite neutral. However, there are times of the day where my mood reaches extreme happiness and unhappiness and mapping those out is quite interesting.

Unhappy. Being late in the mornings. Having to scream and shout at a seven year old to get ready for school put me in a grump for 45 minutes. It was only when I got to work and managed to vent it out to work colleagues did my mood reach neutral.  Unhappy. Last minute change of plans and my presentation was moved forward 6 weeks. Left me in a grump for only 15 minutes until I talked myself into believing it would be achievable - but other things had to take second place.

You get the jist. Work, home, life, family, loved ones, friends all give me reasons to be unhappy, but as equally they also are the ones who lift me out of my grumpy moods.  My mood didn't fluctuate all that much during the day, but it was little things that came along that put me in grumps.  Its the human interactions that make both happy and unhappy. So now I know.  The key is to quickly realise when those unhappy moments come along and identify the people who will lift you out of them as quickly as possible. I certainly know who those people are, and they are all on emergency speed dial.

time for happiness

Reflect through your day. Surely your mood isn't constant throughout. Mine isn't. Depending on when you catch me, I can be over the moon (usually first thing in the morning) or ready to punch someone (usually around 9:30am, or by being at work for exactly 30 mins).  What I have recently been trying to monitor is whether there are particular parts of the day I feel unhappy, and whether I can channel into this to implement my happiness strategies to make my mood more balanced.

So I googled it.  And here I am with my scientific hat again, I found an absolutely brilliant study which does just that - monitors your happiness throughout the day. The study: look at blogs. Find blogs that are positive with positive words (like awesome, yay, lovely) and those with sad words (like lonely, cry, upset, sad) and look to see what time of day they were entered in.  Here are the average findings:










Lets start the graph when you first wake up, say 7-8am. Misery.  Then as the day moves on you get happier, slumping to an all time low at midday.  Infact, lunchtime is the most miserable time of the day for your average person. Why? Had enough of work already?  Feeling hungry so feeling snappy?  Moods then rise throughout the day, peaking in the evening (probably when the kids are asleep) with another peak at 3am (clubbing time?).  And that's the happiness cycle. I guess in this study you are biased based on the type of people blogging, but there is certainly a cycle of moods throughout your day.  I love this idea. For the next week, I am going to try and monitor my own happiness cycle and I'll share them with you here. Its only when I get to see my own cycle and when I am happiest/saddest that I am going to be able to tap into and realise when my low points are, and to enforce my happiness survival kit. See you in seven days!