Happiness Reactions

Its been almost a month since I last blogged.  I blame it on the Easter break, but no excuses really. Even though I have been absent from my writings, my happiness endeavour is clearly on my mind. My ultimate to do list is very much constantly on my mind and some aims are quick and easy whilst others need more time. I have visited one elderly person (4 more to go), bought a red leather jacket, halved my wardrobe space, thrown out my frumpy clothes, emptied one shelf of food from my kitchen cabinet and watched one movie out a hundred I need to see before my big 4.0 comes along.

So as I pursue happiness, and continue to read happiness articles and fill my life with positivity, a stark reality is beginning to set in. It seems like the happier you get, the more determined the people around seem to be to make you more miserable. Whether it be intentional or unintentional, its heartbreaking when there are people determined to make your life a misery. It could be the difficult colleague at work who has flared up, the comment that the dress you wanted will make you look fat, or the wrath of an angry neighbour who doesn't like your overgrown garden.  These are personal attacks that are inflicted and what is striking is that they almost always come from women.

I have touched on the way women tend to turn on one another before. I bet men do it too, but probably its not as subtle and tormenting as women do it.  But it bothers me. Why do women do this to each other, especially when we all face the common challenges of life together.  Is it hormonal? Is it jealousy? Is it just because you're having a bad day, so you take it out on the rest of us? And is that fair?

I am by no means perfect, but my female relationships are worth nurturing. Criticism is fine, it just needs to be communicated sensitively, and perhaps its that empathetic element that many lack?  Or maybe its a force of physics, to every action there is a reaction. Is it inevitable that as you get happier, you tend to notice the hostility more? 

However, what is also becoming clear from my happiness project is that I need to find a way to effectively deal with these.  Being a bitch back is just going to snowball - it requires thought and tact to tackle them. So part of happiness is also to find survival methods to combat your environment, and to implement those tools when needed.

International Day of Happiness

Tomorrow is the International Day of Happiness. Spring equinox, super moon, solar eclipse, its all happening tomorrow but its officially a time to think about happiness. I came to know about this on radio 4 this week, and the first thing that radio 4 did was compile a play list of songs to make us happy. If only they know... music whether it be happy or sad always makes people happy - its scientifically proven.

The happiness movement intrigued me so I wanted to find out what International Happiness Day is all about.  Although they give guidance to happiness, I was struck how happiness really centred around people and community. I think I addressed this before, I am an extrovert, I like people, I need people to make me happy.  But it seems we all need people to be happy. So the site suggests organising happiness flash mobs and happy spots in big cities around the work. Apparently, London, Amsterdam, Bucharest, Milan and Washington DC are all doing it. No sign of Cambridge. I was actually more intrigued in the term "happiness flash mob". I only came to know what a flash mob is recently when I went to see Nativity 3: Dude wheres my donkey last Christmas with my daughter, and it was all about flash mobs (sigh). So a happiness one is where you just agree to meet somewhere with hand written placards that may make passersby happy to inject a bit of happiness in peoples lives. Hmmmmmmmm....

Not sure what to make of it, but community features quite heavily in my own happiness endeavours. Making effort with friends and family, having people over for dinner more, making an effort with neighbours, volunteering are all pledges and aims I personally set for myself and it is important, because helping others makes us feel good about ourselves and happy.  I, on the other hand, am setting up my own one man happiness flash mob in market square on Saturday, at least when the men in white coats take me away, I will be happy.

The Age of Happiness

Making more of an effort, how am I getting on?  I can start seeing some sense in my new vision board, and doing well with my ultimate to do list with now 2 of the 40 items complete - as of last week, our home is now salt free.  Only 38 more tasks to go, but I do have several years to do it.

I began to wonder when happiness peaks on ones life and what are the measures of happiness at each stage in your life. As I was considering this, I thought it surely must be post retirement - when life has calmed down, you've learnt from mistakes and your financial burdens are over...

Oh was I wrong. Apparently, you are at the pinnacle of your happiness at the tender age of 34. The reason, its the age you marry, have children, get onto the property ladder, are comfortable meeting monthly repayments and are making decent strides in your career.  Yes, I can relate to that, but surely the goal posts for happiness move in different stages of your life? Surely at university, where life was carefree and one big party, that was happy? The flaw with this study is that they asked a bunch of over 40s and when trying to recall the happiest moments of my life, our minds always take us back to times when we were much happier THEN than now.  There is a certain degree of reminiscing about the past, and I guess if that's a human tendency - you can't really ask a dead person when they were most happiest.

I looked into more studies, and actually found that there is no magic age of happiness, at different stages of life there are elements of happiness.  So goal posts move, and that got me thinking more about my happiness project and the goals I've set - well they can move too surely with time? We change and evolve and its ok to decide that certain tasks are no longer making us happy?  So a key aspect of any happiness endeavour is to review and replace, and that's ok because it confirms you are still human and you are moving on.

Alone and Happy

Boohoo, I fail. I haven't blog for an age, and I only have myself and my laziness to blame for that. However, in the background I have been busy burrowing away at my happiness endeavours.  My pledges, how am I getting along with that?  I still fiddle too much with my phone - so I fail. I am probably sleeping more than I did before due to my extra long commute to work - so I fail again.  The chocolate I did reduce, binged again, but how am following the British Heart Foundations DeChox, and feeling fab - so one up for me.  To do lists - hmmm I seem to forget, but when I remember it does make me feel great. Being kind to others - certainly I do that more these days, so that's another one for me. Generally I think most people are beginning to feel happier as its heading towards spring, life evident poking from the ground and we are nearing the 13.9 degrees - the magic temperature. In addition, I have ticked off one thing on my ultimate to do list (40 things to do before I am 40) and got a full body massage, so although there is an absence online, happiness is very much on my radar.

It does bother me though as I was flicking through the happiness database about whether being married or single makes me happier that studies almost unanimously show that being married makes you happier. I tend to disagree on that notion for myself having sat on both sides of that fence.  I also wonder about my situation as a lone parent and look at the tiny blessings my daughter brings into my life and wonder if its her that makes me happier.  For those lone mothers reading this, being alone looking after children is certainly a challenge, and the sense of responsibility immense. However, I did find a study which addresses that and children do make single mothers happier than their childless counterparts.  It does acknowledge the challenges that lone parents face, but when a parent is alone with a child, that child becomes a focal point in the parents life. I can relate to that.

But although being a single parent makes you happy, and it makes me very happy, I know that I am faced with the stigma from society that brings me great unhappiness. The pity, or stereotypes I get from those around me, whether I know them or not doesn't just make me unhappy, it makes me furious.  The sympathetic looks of "there there, you'll find someone soon" enrages me, but it also saddens me and makes me think why do people say that? Is it envy? Or is it because marriage or cohabitation makes them happier?  And surely with the array of families now emerging in the 21st century, a single parent is quite tame?  I'll end it there before I keep ranting on and this turns from a happiness blog to a vent it out blog, and I guess I won't change society or how others see me. All I can do is have the confidence to just be me.

If you're happy and you know it....

Another week has flown by. I am now surrounding myself with happiness triggers and reminders. My new vision board is up, the ultimate to do list is written, and I have my smaller pledges, some of which I am doing better than others. The key to happiness is really dissecting your life into various segments - relationships, work, home, family, friends etc.. and to find a bit of happiness triggers in each to keep things in perspective.  I have touched on this in previous blogs, and I have been trying to fill my life with these triggers in all aspects.  And in particular, I feel work is an important one to stay happy in. Its where many of us spend most of our waking day, and being fufilled, forming friendships and feeling appreciated are all important in making our work day happier.

I am not much of a tv watcher. I am, however, an avid radio listener and devoted newspaper skimmer. It was during one of my skimming sessions that I came across an article about happiness that caught my eye. Hitachi  have a new wireless device that it gives to employees to wear and it measures their happiness.  Wanna see it? Here is it




Of course my first question was what are the happiness metrics? So many articles have been written on happiness and how to measure it and its a very difficult abstract measure that really only way to measure happiness is to ask people.  I was extremely curious how this abstract measure is now biometric, however Hitach will not disclose its secret. Apparently it records 50 data points per second all focussed around walking, talking, typing and nodding. And managers can see in real time how happy the staff are (erm... I can think of ONE manager who really needs to know this, not naming names).  Hitachi are actually going to sell this onto other employers, I wonder if it will take off?  So if you're happy and you know it... its likely your boss knew it first.


 

The Ultimate To Do List

I blogged a few months back about to do lists, and how it was something that made me really happy. I get great satisfaction ticking off things I have finished off - I am a finisher.  It was then that I got inspiration from my sister, a list of tasks that she would set herself, not boring household chores that I had on my to do list, she has swanky sexy stuff like buy a leather jacket and tell someone what you really think of them, and she gave herself a year to do them.

I saw her list and thought to myself "yes, I would like to do that" a sexy swanky list that I could acheieve, so here it is, my 40 things to do before I am 40.

Yes, I know I have maaaany years to go before I am 40 so I am pacing myself. I had to think hard of things I wanted to acheive. I am looking at this as an extension of my vision board, where am I going, what do I want to be in several years time. What do I want to try out that I haven't yet. Apparently they are called "bucket lists" and so I googled a few of them. Jump out of airplanes, hang off the Toronto tower, swim with dolphins.... not really my cup of tea.  According to the magazine cosmopolitan, I should "swim naked and let my lady parts float around" (really? mine will sink), "eat a whole cake" (done it, many times over), "spend more money than you should on vaccation" (don't we all do that anyway?) and "learn to make one full meal". Really? 40 and never made a meal, I knew that this was something I would have to do alone and search deep within.

So finally, after several weeks of compiling, emailing and consulting, the list is ready. In true scientific style, the ulitmate to do list is split into 9 segments that are

1) Shopping
2) DIY
3) Personal Development
4) Detox
5) Food
6) Travel
7) Money
8) Family/Friends
9) Community

Some aims are easy to do, but others are more difficult and will require some precision planning!!  I would share the list with you, but I won't - my mum reads my blog :-p

Visions for 2015

So, before I waffle on about happiness, databases, studies and proven concepts, I thought I would take out some time to finish off my vision board for 2015. Yes, its almost a month over due, but better late than never. In a previous blog, I discussed my vision board and how I felt it was instrumental in shaping my life in 2014 and help me take control of my life. So with that firmly in focus, the visions for 2015 are taking place. Here is my new board:

Unlike last years, this one, I think is quite feminine. There are obvious pictures of things I want to achieve this year (glamour is a very central theme), but other pictures were just quite random. This year, I also included quotes to keep me focused.

As I was cutting and sticking the last little bits and bobs after dinner last night, a curious little seven year old also wanted to know what I was doing, so I explained the vision board to her. Instantly she sat down beside me and started mauling magazines for pictures that she like. I want to share that with you too, my daughters vision board.

I looked at her creation and thought to myself there is alot I need to learn from that child - diamonds, sapphires and pearls being obviously her focus (why didn't I think of that!!). In either case, these are now being put up for both of us above our beds to ponder upon this upcoming year.  Lets see if our visions are realised.

happiness database

My happiness quest continues, despite rumours that this week had the most depressing day in the year on it (blue monday - apparently it was on the 19th of January - a day I was feeling quite Jovial actually).  Before I move onto my topic of the day, I wanted to say a massive thank you to all those people forwarding me happiness talks, quotes, articles and pictures, you are doing a splendid job helping me in my happiness project. Or you think I am a miserable git and sincerely need it. The optomist in me thinks the prior.

Whilst researching about happiness, I came across the happiness database that had some really interesting, and actually quite amusing happiness ideas. However, this massive study that was compiled really highlighted some important things for me.

1. Happiness is not comparative. It doesn't matter if your neighbour has more/less than you, it won't make you happier.
2. Happiness varies in your lifetime. Some moments make you happier than others. This means it is not genetic, its circumstantial.
3. The majority of mankind enjoys life. Unhappiness is the exception.
4. Happiness rises in modern societies - so the idea that modernisation is contributing to our misery is not true.

And others. However, I like this study, its comprehensive. It covers over 9000 studies, collated in over 150 nations, and its live and ongoing.

I guess thats reassuring, we are all programmed to be happy and we generally all believe that we are.  And its ok to sometimes feel unhappy. I will spend the next few blogs analysing the work of Professor Veenhoven at length, but for now, let me throw you a research finding:

"You tend to be happier if you think you're good looking, rather than if you actually, objectively speaking, are."

discuss!!

Human Happy

So for now, I won't stop blogging. It was an overwhelming "don't stop" from you, the audience, so its your own faults - I shall contiue. If you hate my blogs, tough, you had your chance to speak up.

So although seeking happiness might not be the right way of acheiving happiness, I don't think its wrong to analyse your own life and the happiness it brings, if for anything, then just to get to know yourself a bit more. SO on that note, I continue, analysing different aspects of my life and those around me.

This week has been a particulary happy one, new changes in my job have kicked in, its nice to do something different, and a great party last weekend certainly put a smile on my face. Going back to the party, I had a fab time, just being me and letting myself go, but I was certainly surprised by the reactions of those people around me. Seems like I can't dance and let myself go without being over analysed by those around me as being the life and soul of the party. Like I care, I know I am a party animal. And it makes me happy, but what it is that makes me happy. For sure, its the human contact with others. That makes me happy.

Easy to say for an extrovert like me. Actually, studies go back to 25 years ago where people have realised that extroverts are happier people than introverts.  The reasons why (according to the journal of Personality and Individiual Differences) is that extroverts are more social. And getting out more and doing more activities makes you happier. Sure, if I go through the people I know, the family and friends around, those who are introverts are less happy.  So basically, happiness could be in your genes.

So why not latch onto it. So first action plan to head to down the path of human happiness was to downsize my facebook account and to delete the app from my phone. Facebook isn't human contact, its a virtual human contact. Those friendships on there don't make you happy, its the face to face meet ups that do. And second action plan, meet more friends/family. Make time a few times a month for quality time. I guess even introverts have a few people that they feel most comfortable with and its good to home in on those and really nurture those relationships. Keep your treasures close.

Happy New Year

Yes, its been a while - its been the holiday season afterall!!  Generally, this time of year is a great one for happiness, Christmas and buying presents for loved ones confirms what I was saying in my previous blog posts - doing things for others makes you happy.

But then the new year comes along, and all around me I hear of all the pledges and resolutions people are making for the upcoming year (loosing weight is on top of everyones list it seems), and I like that positivity I see in people. The hopes and aspirations that everything will be good this year. This year, everything will be different, I will get to be a size 8....

And like every year, by the end of January, the hope is gone, and despair kicks in. Because the will power is down to zero, and all those aspirations instead of making us feel good, now make us feel bad.  This really makes me think about new years resolutions - often they are the same year on year, and often they fail.  I stopped making them years back.

A recent article in the Independent acknowledges this, and it kind of made me think about my own happiness adventure - is it like a news year resolution, and have I set myself up for disaster?  Is the actual fact of pursuing happiness bound to make me miserable in the longer term?  If you google "seeking happiness" and look at the images that emerge, its true - proverb after proverb says the same, seeking happiness is the path to unhappiness.  I am not really waiting for happiness to spring up on me, I am already happy, but my initial question was, could I be happier?  I know one of my first pledges was to keep this blog updated, and I haven't kept it updated as  much as I wanted to - that makes me feel bad. Do I need to break up my happiness quest into smaller pieces that are easier to pursue?  Do I need to give it up altogether - give me a week to think that through.