The Ultimate To Do List

I blogged a few months back about to do lists, and how it was something that made me really happy. I get great satisfaction ticking off things I have finished off - I am a finisher.  It was then that I got inspiration from my sister, a list of tasks that she would set herself, not boring household chores that I had on my to do list, she has swanky sexy stuff like buy a leather jacket and tell someone what you really think of them, and she gave herself a year to do them.

I saw her list and thought to myself "yes, I would like to do that" a sexy swanky list that I could acheieve, so here it is, my 40 things to do before I am 40.

Yes, I know I have maaaany years to go before I am 40 so I am pacing myself. I had to think hard of things I wanted to acheive. I am looking at this as an extension of my vision board, where am I going, what do I want to be in several years time. What do I want to try out that I haven't yet. Apparently they are called "bucket lists" and so I googled a few of them. Jump out of airplanes, hang off the Toronto tower, swim with dolphins.... not really my cup of tea.  According to the magazine cosmopolitan, I should "swim naked and let my lady parts float around" (really? mine will sink), "eat a whole cake" (done it, many times over), "spend more money than you should on vaccation" (don't we all do that anyway?) and "learn to make one full meal". Really? 40 and never made a meal, I knew that this was something I would have to do alone and search deep within.

So finally, after several weeks of compiling, emailing and consulting, the list is ready. In true scientific style, the ulitmate to do list is split into 9 segments that are

1) Shopping
2) DIY
3) Personal Development
4) Detox
5) Food
6) Travel
7) Money
8) Family/Friends
9) Community

Some aims are easy to do, but others are more difficult and will require some precision planning!!  I would share the list with you, but I won't - my mum reads my blog :-p

Visions for 2015

So, before I waffle on about happiness, databases, studies and proven concepts, I thought I would take out some time to finish off my vision board for 2015. Yes, its almost a month over due, but better late than never. In a previous blog, I discussed my vision board and how I felt it was instrumental in shaping my life in 2014 and help me take control of my life. So with that firmly in focus, the visions for 2015 are taking place. Here is my new board:

Unlike last years, this one, I think is quite feminine. There are obvious pictures of things I want to achieve this year (glamour is a very central theme), but other pictures were just quite random. This year, I also included quotes to keep me focused.

As I was cutting and sticking the last little bits and bobs after dinner last night, a curious little seven year old also wanted to know what I was doing, so I explained the vision board to her. Instantly she sat down beside me and started mauling magazines for pictures that she like. I want to share that with you too, my daughters vision board.

I looked at her creation and thought to myself there is alot I need to learn from that child - diamonds, sapphires and pearls being obviously her focus (why didn't I think of that!!). In either case, these are now being put up for both of us above our beds to ponder upon this upcoming year.  Lets see if our visions are realised.

happiness database

My happiness quest continues, despite rumours that this week had the most depressing day in the year on it (blue monday - apparently it was on the 19th of January - a day I was feeling quite Jovial actually).  Before I move onto my topic of the day, I wanted to say a massive thank you to all those people forwarding me happiness talks, quotes, articles and pictures, you are doing a splendid job helping me in my happiness project. Or you think I am a miserable git and sincerely need it. The optomist in me thinks the prior.

Whilst researching about happiness, I came across the happiness database that had some really interesting, and actually quite amusing happiness ideas. However, this massive study that was compiled really highlighted some important things for me.

1. Happiness is not comparative. It doesn't matter if your neighbour has more/less than you, it won't make you happier.
2. Happiness varies in your lifetime. Some moments make you happier than others. This means it is not genetic, its circumstantial.
3. The majority of mankind enjoys life. Unhappiness is the exception.
4. Happiness rises in modern societies - so the idea that modernisation is contributing to our misery is not true.

And others. However, I like this study, its comprehensive. It covers over 9000 studies, collated in over 150 nations, and its live and ongoing.

I guess thats reassuring, we are all programmed to be happy and we generally all believe that we are.  And its ok to sometimes feel unhappy. I will spend the next few blogs analysing the work of Professor Veenhoven at length, but for now, let me throw you a research finding:

"You tend to be happier if you think you're good looking, rather than if you actually, objectively speaking, are."

discuss!!

Human Happy

So for now, I won't stop blogging. It was an overwhelming "don't stop" from you, the audience, so its your own faults - I shall contiue. If you hate my blogs, tough, you had your chance to speak up.

So although seeking happiness might not be the right way of acheiving happiness, I don't think its wrong to analyse your own life and the happiness it brings, if for anything, then just to get to know yourself a bit more. SO on that note, I continue, analysing different aspects of my life and those around me.

This week has been a particulary happy one, new changes in my job have kicked in, its nice to do something different, and a great party last weekend certainly put a smile on my face. Going back to the party, I had a fab time, just being me and letting myself go, but I was certainly surprised by the reactions of those people around me. Seems like I can't dance and let myself go without being over analysed by those around me as being the life and soul of the party. Like I care, I know I am a party animal. And it makes me happy, but what it is that makes me happy. For sure, its the human contact with others. That makes me happy.

Easy to say for an extrovert like me. Actually, studies go back to 25 years ago where people have realised that extroverts are happier people than introverts.  The reasons why (according to the journal of Personality and Individiual Differences) is that extroverts are more social. And getting out more and doing more activities makes you happier. Sure, if I go through the people I know, the family and friends around, those who are introverts are less happy.  So basically, happiness could be in your genes.

So why not latch onto it. So first action plan to head to down the path of human happiness was to downsize my facebook account and to delete the app from my phone. Facebook isn't human contact, its a virtual human contact. Those friendships on there don't make you happy, its the face to face meet ups that do. And second action plan, meet more friends/family. Make time a few times a month for quality time. I guess even introverts have a few people that they feel most comfortable with and its good to home in on those and really nurture those relationships. Keep your treasures close.

Happy New Year

Yes, its been a while - its been the holiday season afterall!!  Generally, this time of year is a great one for happiness, Christmas and buying presents for loved ones confirms what I was saying in my previous blog posts - doing things for others makes you happy.

But then the new year comes along, and all around me I hear of all the pledges and resolutions people are making for the upcoming year (loosing weight is on top of everyones list it seems), and I like that positivity I see in people. The hopes and aspirations that everything will be good this year. This year, everything will be different, I will get to be a size 8....

And like every year, by the end of January, the hope is gone, and despair kicks in. Because the will power is down to zero, and all those aspirations instead of making us feel good, now make us feel bad.  This really makes me think about new years resolutions - often they are the same year on year, and often they fail.  I stopped making them years back.

A recent article in the Independent acknowledges this, and it kind of made me think about my own happiness adventure - is it like a news year resolution, and have I set myself up for disaster?  Is the actual fact of pursuing happiness bound to make me miserable in the longer term?  If you google "seeking happiness" and look at the images that emerge, its true - proverb after proverb says the same, seeking happiness is the path to unhappiness.  I am not really waiting for happiness to spring up on me, I am already happy, but my initial question was, could I be happier?  I know one of my first pledges was to keep this blog updated, and I haven't kept it updated as  much as I wanted to - that makes me feel bad. Do I need to break up my happiness quest into smaller pieces that are easier to pursue?  Do I need to give it up altogether - give me a week to think that through.

Achieving Happiness

Yes, its been a while (again) and I apologise for that. Its been a whirlwind of a few weeks and although the happiness project has been wanning for a while - its heading back on course. What put it back into action - achievement.

So that's the topic of this blog, how to find those little parcels of happiness to lift you up to euphoria?  Although this might not work for everyone reading this, but setting yourself a task and achieving it certainly did it for me. This task was a biggie - find a job, and through weeks of what felt like banging my head against a brick wall, I finally got there. But it needn't be so large. I find even little tasks once done make me happy - clear out a cupboard, finish a craft project, sort out my paperwork. And what I love more than anything in the world - to do lists. Putting a line through a done job is a fabulous feeling.

I have heard people grumble about to do lists and  how they make them unhappy. My advice - break up the tasks into smaller chunks.  Then only set yourself a few tasks per day, so you are achieving 80% of what you wanted to. Its good not to achieve that other 20% - that keeps you in the knowledge that you are stretching yourself and improving. I googled to do lists to see what the wider internet community thought - yes, to do lists are definitely a feel good action.  In fact some bloggers say do away with the to do list and make a done list - things you have achieved already. I know myself that I am task orientated and I like the challenge of a to do list, but if you find that this gets you down, the done list is probably more your thing.

So - to keep me on my toes a little, my daily task is to compile a to do list. Just a list of 2-3 things that I need to do every evening, like fold the washing, empty the bins etc... but that should give me the sense of achievement and that sense of accomplishment.  After all, if you want to achieve happiness you need to achieve?

Money Happy

I am thrilled when I do my searches that so many people have taken a scientific approach to happiness. Not bloggers ofcourse, but there is much research where how happy you are (a relative term) actually has been given a figure and value. 

So its to science I turn when I want to figure out, does money make us happy? The earthy ones among you will say no, the materialistic of you will say yes. My feelings are mixed.  In Gretchen Rubins book, The Happiness Project she says yes, money makes you happy. Only because it allows you to occasionally treat yourself and that adds to happiness.

I've often wondered this. I know I am not poor, but I don't really want more money. I do think I get to do all the things I love on the money I am on - travel, hobbies, going out, visiting family/friends. And although I can be a bit frugal with money, I just think thats who I am, having more money won't change that - I will just end up saving more.

In PNAS there was an article published on income and happiness. When the wealth of a nation increases, the happiness does not.  This can be seen with Latin American and Eastern European countries where happiness did not improve when these countries came out of poverty.  I don't think the article addressed other apsects of peoples lives that measure happiness. Although I cannot comment on these countries, I know in Iraq, the country of my roots and where I have had the opportunity to speak to a variety of people in, the increased wealth of the nation post US led invasion did not lead to happiness because it increased the instability of the country.  Personally, I know people are happier that they are wealthier and they don't need to worry about their next meal, but I think peoples happiness are more complex than a linear measure of money vs how happy people say they are on a survey.

It was only when I came to read another article that I thought it made more sense. Money is relative. If you feel that you are earning more than your peers than you tend to feel happier. If you feel that you are earning less than your peers, you are unhappy.  Its easy to say to people not to compare yourself we do, but we all unconsciously do so. 

Does money buy happiness?  I agree with Gretchen Rubin, it buys you treats - when used occasionally bring little bouts of happiness. However, more wealth isn't necessarily going to make you happier. If you are miserable about how much money you take home every month, getting more isn't going to make you happier, because it all depends who you are comparing yourself to.  If I were you, I'd start making friends with people who earn less than you, that might make you feel happier :-)

digging deep

My current favourite quote.  I am finding myself having to revert to this quote quite a fair bit this week, and its only Tuesday. Yes, my little sparkles of happiness are rapidly eroding. My liberal carefree daily cycle to work has been replaced with being stuck in traffic in a tin can. My precious lab space - the zone in which I feel happiest has been eroded to half of what I had before, and frankly I have been struggling to find the happiness.  This moment, that I have been building slowly towards for the last 18 months is finally here - the site has finally closed (or is closing) in Cambridge, and we are being located 40 miles away.  Time to implement happiness project phase II.

Its  hard to stay positive and focussed when you're decontaminating an entire lab space, and watching thousands of pounds of chemicals and reagents being tipped into biohazard bags.  Its also hard to find the happiness when your closest friends at work - the sisterhood - have decided that this is the end for them, really leaving you alone to face the harsh truth.  So yes, dig deep.

phase II, what is it then?  Self analysis once again, but the big realisation, making other people happy actually makes me happy. It works for me. So of course my first guinea pig is the child. We played hide and seek, I let her "scare" me so she gets her kicks and we had a cuddle in bed until she fell asleep. That really brightened my day. Buying a coffee for colleauges at work, telling someone you care - seeing that smile that someone has did its magic.

There are actual studies to support this. In science there was an article about how spending on others makes you happier than spending on yourself. For someone like me, I relate to that. Whether its spending time or money, pampering others gives me a great deal of satisfaction - and especially with children, when you get very little back in return for it (in my case a cuddle is a rare commodity), I still don't mind.  Action plan for tomorrow - make someone happy, you might find it might just make you happy too.

sisterhood

I feel lucky to be a woman. Really I do. I know there is much gender inequality out there, and don't get me wrong, I am a feminist. But I still think we have special features that men just don't have - sisterhood.

Relationships that women have with other women fascinate me.  If I reflect upon my own life, my female friends are my rocks. Maybe its partly because I was brought up in a predominantly female household; the female relationships we form are special. Whether it be with family, friends, colleagues or neighbours. I have spent alot of time pondering over my own relationships with the women around me, and I have come to a conclusion: there are three catagories of female-female relationships.

The first - the inner circle. Of which there are just a very very few. Those people who probably know too much about your life. Those people you weep with, you rely on, you laugh with, you take criticism from. Those are the rare relationships, and every women for sure should have them. This inner circle seem never to upset you - even when they are your harshest critics.  Those are the people who make you happiest. And those are the people you need to keep close and invest in.

The second, the double edged sword. The women who you kind of say things to. But those also, after a long conversation, you leave feeling bad about yourself. And you don't really know how it all happened.  There is not much genuineness in their advice, you think they are your friend, but they are perhaps not. They are the predators who go for the kill. These are the women you have to stay clear from.

Then the third, the bitches. Never nice, always spiteful. Don't even go there and don't do it to yourself.

If the people around you are making you feel bad about yourself, then walk away. Life is too short.

Its the second group really that fascinates me. Why do us women do that to ourselves? Why are we just plain nasty to each other from time to time?  And its always the fattest of your friends who tells you you're fat, or the childless one who tells you how to raise your children, or the working mum who makes you feel guilty that you are working.  Is this just the way its always been?

I like to think not (the optomist in me!).  I like to think that there was a time, particularly in post-war Britain where women HAD to pull together and help each other and the bitching stopped. The reason, many husbands never came home, and there was no other choice. I turned to the internet to back my theory up, and was shocked at the responses. The close female relationship in category 1 is basically dead. Guardian, telegraph, its all there. Female friendships, of pure concern for each other is gone.

I, however, totally disagree, the female friend is still alive, I am the proof of that. And maybe thats why more and more people (or women) are unhappy, we have lost our close circle of friends. I certainly know that these people are central to my happiness project, so here I am reaching out to the world - stop being bitchy to your friends because you are insecure, because we all need that shoulder to lean on every now and then.

Managing the bad

Its been a long while. I know. I haven't found it in me to write my blog. My happiness project is waning. I know why. There is too much going on in my life that its sucking out the time to enjoy the things i need to make me happy.  I am going through changes in practically every aspect of my life. This has left a cleft of uncertainty in my mind, and happiness is certainly the last thing on my mind.

So with much activation energy, I am sitting here tonight wondering how it is you need to combat the blues.  We are all going to have times in our lives where we feel down, unmotivated and where we loose focus. The happiness project hasn't eliminated those, but there must be a way to manage this. It might not just be feeling down because of the pressures of life, but you might have a sudden traumatic shock that you weren't expecting, how do you manage this when your aims are to stay happy and focussed?

This is a difficult issue to address, and I can't claim I have the answers either.  I tried to google it. I got nonsense most of the time, talk, find the positive things again in your life. Too airy fairy for my liking. However what started to catch my eye was other peoples blogs on their personal journeys and this really sucked me in.  These seem to be the key facts of bouncing back:

1) ask for help. ESPECIALLY if you are one of those people (like me) who never do. Having friends to lean on in times of need is priceless.

2) fake it. Apparently, putting on a big smile and pretending everything is ok actually helps the recovery process.  Certainly I felt that believing that you will get better and convincing yourself that things will change helps. I find a little memory helps me to remember this - like wearing a bracelet or ring to remind me...

3) Reminders. Every morning wake up and think of three things that will remind you of being happy. Starting your day happy does have rippling effects throughout the day.

4) Cry. Yes it helps weep like a baby and get it out. But then re-compose yourself and inspire yourself. When you hit rock bottom there is only one way - up!

5) Know your worst case scenario. This helps you to manage your expectations.  When you have already replayed how bad it can get, it doesn't feel so bad anymore.

I also saw this quote which helped me too. I know i don't do quotes, but this one inspired me:





I am going to bookmark this page of my blog. There will be times that will be hard and I have to refer to this page to pull myself out of it. One thing is never to feel alone, there are many people out there who care and want to help. While you may only be one person in this world, you may be the world to one person.