happy happy birthdays

Birthdays are over rated. That is the biggest conclusion reached for 2015. I always have such high expectations for my birthday, that it will be an ace day. And those around me try, they really do. But always, year on year, around that time, unexpected things happen out of my control that makes it suck.

So it took me a while to order my thoughts after my birthday to get writing again and to blog about it.  My birthday should make me happy. But it didn't.. and if I reflect, it rarely ever does. Is it because I need to try harder? Or is it because I need to face facts, birthdays do not equate happiness.

This notion got me thinking more, so many people around me do things because they think it makes them happy, but it ultimately does not. I see families going on family holidays so we bond better... and they all come back miserable. I see friends rushing round to pack their kids weekends with activities, but the kids are then knackered and moan all evening making everyone miserable.  I see big weddings, everyone getting stressed, this is "supposed to make us happy", but the result, everyone has fallen out and barely speaking to each other on the big day.  We look around us when seeking happiness, seeing what makes others happy and we start to imitate in the hope that this will fulfil our happiness.  That's ok, we only know and learn if we try. However we have to get to a point where we admit to ourselves some of things we are doing are not making us happy any longer, and to move on.  So part of the happiness project really is digging deep and admitting, birthdays might make some people happy, and might be the nicest days of the year for some, but not for me.

Catching on

The wheels of happiness pursuit is slowly taking off again, and although I've been absent for a while, happiness and well being are firmly in my pursuit path.

I've made some progress with the ultimate to do list but panic is starting to set in. Days away from my 37th birthday, I know I will have to pull out the stops to get all 40 items done before the big 4.0 creeps up. The category of "shopping" is complete, but perhaps that was the low hanging fruit. The "detox" category has also progressed well. But I still need to find the time to exercise my culinary cuisines and to work on my personal development.

Being a woman, I always doubt myself. I doubt my own abilities and successes, and I am sure this resonates with other women. Men don't have this problem from what I see. They have absolute conviction in themselves and often will over sell themselves. So doing the woman thing, I doubt this whole project and pursuit often and wonder if I'm just setting myself up for failure. And it was a little glimmer of hope that I stumbled along that I want to share with you, that has put me back on that path of well being. Here it is:

 

I found this in my daughters notebook a while back, and its her ten things to do before shes ten. I don't really speak to her about my happiness project, but she hears conversations I have with various people about it. Maybe its crazy for a 7 year old to have a to do list. Or maybe shes learning some lessons that will help her prosper in life. But it made me realise that when you publicly declare your own pursuit for happiness, you inevitably motivate those around you to think about it in some way of form. So surely there is benefit in that. I will let you know in 15 years time if my happiness pursuit helped my daughter. In the meantime, a phone before you're ten, over my dead body!

The Grass is Never Greener

Peculiar. That's the best way to sum up yesterday. Peculiar in many ways, but one phrase uttered to me particularly stuck in my memory.  I was asked a question, is it true that I have it made, always on cloud 9, or am I a really good actress?

Its peculiar as I really didn't know how to answer it. Do I really advertise myself as the perfect being? Is my blog portraying me as the Nigella Lawson of the Internet? I didn't want that to be the case. I have highlighted on here my struggles, my demons and my frustrations. And if anything, I would say perhaps I was more negative than positive. So it makes me think of the later part of the question, am I an actress? Am I a fraud who has fooled you all my readers, into believing that I am the goddess of happiness and bliss?

I sincerely hope not. My life is far from perfect, but maybe the difference between me and others is that I believe I have the power to change things around me, and I am dedicated to changing that. I read my blogs again. I don't think I ever portrayed myself to be a happiness fairy sprinkling happiness dust down your throats. Correct me if I'm wrong. But maybe, we as humans, have the tendency to look at others and think - I want that life.

Something I realised over 15 years ago was that the grass is never greener on the other side. You may think someone is perfect, with lovely children, lots of money, a devoted husband - but we are all real people with real problems, and we don't really know what is going on behind closed doors. Even with our closest friends and families. And I blame social media. Where its actually become a contest - look at this massive bunch of flowers my partner got me for no reason, look at the lovely neighbours I have, they all pitched in a tenner and bought me a Porsche... and we tend to use social media to brag and show to others what we have. Giving the perception that other peoples lives are better than our own.

But over the last 5 years in particular, as my friendship networks deepen, and I mature more. And I begin to see through the roses - I realise that even the most perfect people have problems far bigger than mine. And this is part of the epiphany needed to bring inner peace and happiness, stop looking at others with envy. Really, if we all had our problems in a heap, you'd take your own back any day.

hardwiring happiness

My happiness pursuit has been struggling of late. I need to get back on top of my ultimate to do list as I haven't made much progress there, so that is a task I have set myself for the upcoming weekend. My positive thinking has been shaken a little of late, but still the epiphany is firmly in place - you have the power to change yourself, so to change your circumstance.

But with this notion, I have realised that there is one large obstacle in all this - habits. We are all hardwired to do the same mundane tasks over and over again - most of us without thinking about them. If I think of myself - wake up, check phone; thinking hard - bite my nails; religiously clean the sink after washing up... Actually, when sitting down and actually thinking hard what your habits are - its hard to actually remember what they are.  I do think its the habits we hold that prevent us reaching happiness... but only if you realise what they are.

So to give myself some inspiration, I turned to my good old friend google and wanted to see what other peoples habits are so I can identify my own. Chocolate, salt, binging - for me all conquered. Spending money, facebook and the gym - irrelevant. No help what so ever, but I did find a lovely website of the 20 habits of happy people, and I thought perfect for my blog. Here it goes - if you want to be happy, follow these 20 habits:
1) Give to others
2) Nurture important relationships
3) love yourself
4) make a difference - do not make yourself popular
5) learn to say no
6) count your blessings - even when times are tough (it could be worse)
7) cultivate optimism
8)  be a humble life long learner
9) find ways to cope when times get tough
10) rejection is a protection from whats not meant to be
11) don't get embroiled in others pettiness
12) focus on the present
13) follow your dreams
14) prioritise - and stick to whats important
15) struggle - because it makes you stronger
16) take care of your physical health
17) spend money on experiences not material items
18) savour all your little joys
19) accept changes outside your control - some things are not meant to last
20) live the life you want to live

Upon reading that, I thought hey, I'm not doing so bad, I probably have touched on most of these topics in my blogs.  Instead of focussing on all your bad habits and trying to improve those, why not focus on your good habits and make sure you are living them everyday?

Taking Charge

My last blog played heavily on my mind this week. There are always individuals in your locality who are determined to put a dampener on your good fortune, mood or situation.  And this has really bothered me. In fact, I can go as far as saying that this is the biggest obstacle I am facing with my happiness project.

Now those who know me know that I am pretty focused and determined person, and so I put my mind into finding a solution to this. Surely I am not the only person who experiences this, and I started a comprehensive search of peoples experiences and thoughts.  Then I had the epiphany....

The only thing standing between me and my happiness project is just me. People will talk and bitch, but whether it upsets me or not is really my own fault. In every situation, I have a choice. I can choose to experience it negatively, or positively, or just ignore it altogether.  So people upsetting me is really my own fault, I am letting them. 

In your mind, nothing is impossible. You can achieve whatever you want, whether it be loose weight, a physical challenge, complete a difficult piece of work. I know I have taken my body and mind to extremes, and I can achieve more. The only thing that stops me is my own self telling me I can't.

Freeing your mind and taking charge of your fate is liberating. You can be physically restrained in your environment or limited, however nobody has any control over your mind, your feelings and your thoughts - in this realm, you are king. And this was my epiphany, I can train myself to react how I wish. 

Since my epiphany, I must say I have let alot of comments and situations just completely wash over me.  So the next challenge, can I sustain it?

Happiness Reactions

Its been almost a month since I last blogged.  I blame it on the Easter break, but no excuses really. Even though I have been absent from my writings, my happiness endeavour is clearly on my mind. My ultimate to do list is very much constantly on my mind and some aims are quick and easy whilst others need more time. I have visited one elderly person (4 more to go), bought a red leather jacket, halved my wardrobe space, thrown out my frumpy clothes, emptied one shelf of food from my kitchen cabinet and watched one movie out a hundred I need to see before my big 4.0 comes along.

So as I pursue happiness, and continue to read happiness articles and fill my life with positivity, a stark reality is beginning to set in. It seems like the happier you get, the more determined the people around seem to be to make you more miserable. Whether it be intentional or unintentional, its heartbreaking when there are people determined to make your life a misery. It could be the difficult colleague at work who has flared up, the comment that the dress you wanted will make you look fat, or the wrath of an angry neighbour who doesn't like your overgrown garden.  These are personal attacks that are inflicted and what is striking is that they almost always come from women.

I have touched on the way women tend to turn on one another before. I bet men do it too, but probably its not as subtle and tormenting as women do it.  But it bothers me. Why do women do this to each other, especially when we all face the common challenges of life together.  Is it hormonal? Is it jealousy? Is it just because you're having a bad day, so you take it out on the rest of us? And is that fair?

I am by no means perfect, but my female relationships are worth nurturing. Criticism is fine, it just needs to be communicated sensitively, and perhaps its that empathetic element that many lack?  Or maybe its a force of physics, to every action there is a reaction. Is it inevitable that as you get happier, you tend to notice the hostility more? 

However, what is also becoming clear from my happiness project is that I need to find a way to effectively deal with these.  Being a bitch back is just going to snowball - it requires thought and tact to tackle them. So part of happiness is also to find survival methods to combat your environment, and to implement those tools when needed.

International Day of Happiness

Tomorrow is the International Day of Happiness. Spring equinox, super moon, solar eclipse, its all happening tomorrow but its officially a time to think about happiness. I came to know about this on radio 4 this week, and the first thing that radio 4 did was compile a play list of songs to make us happy. If only they know... music whether it be happy or sad always makes people happy - its scientifically proven.

The happiness movement intrigued me so I wanted to find out what International Happiness Day is all about.  Although they give guidance to happiness, I was struck how happiness really centred around people and community. I think I addressed this before, I am an extrovert, I like people, I need people to make me happy.  But it seems we all need people to be happy. So the site suggests organising happiness flash mobs and happy spots in big cities around the work. Apparently, London, Amsterdam, Bucharest, Milan and Washington DC are all doing it. No sign of Cambridge. I was actually more intrigued in the term "happiness flash mob". I only came to know what a flash mob is recently when I went to see Nativity 3: Dude wheres my donkey last Christmas with my daughter, and it was all about flash mobs (sigh). So a happiness one is where you just agree to meet somewhere with hand written placards that may make passersby happy to inject a bit of happiness in peoples lives. Hmmmmmmmm....

Not sure what to make of it, but community features quite heavily in my own happiness endeavours. Making effort with friends and family, having people over for dinner more, making an effort with neighbours, volunteering are all pledges and aims I personally set for myself and it is important, because helping others makes us feel good about ourselves and happy.  I, on the other hand, am setting up my own one man happiness flash mob in market square on Saturday, at least when the men in white coats take me away, I will be happy.

The Age of Happiness

Making more of an effort, how am I getting on?  I can start seeing some sense in my new vision board, and doing well with my ultimate to do list with now 2 of the 40 items complete - as of last week, our home is now salt free.  Only 38 more tasks to go, but I do have several years to do it.

I began to wonder when happiness peaks on ones life and what are the measures of happiness at each stage in your life. As I was considering this, I thought it surely must be post retirement - when life has calmed down, you've learnt from mistakes and your financial burdens are over...

Oh was I wrong. Apparently, you are at the pinnacle of your happiness at the tender age of 34. The reason, its the age you marry, have children, get onto the property ladder, are comfortable meeting monthly repayments and are making decent strides in your career.  Yes, I can relate to that, but surely the goal posts for happiness move in different stages of your life? Surely at university, where life was carefree and one big party, that was happy? The flaw with this study is that they asked a bunch of over 40s and when trying to recall the happiest moments of my life, our minds always take us back to times when we were much happier THEN than now.  There is a certain degree of reminiscing about the past, and I guess if that's a human tendency - you can't really ask a dead person when they were most happiest.

I looked into more studies, and actually found that there is no magic age of happiness, at different stages of life there are elements of happiness.  So goal posts move, and that got me thinking more about my happiness project and the goals I've set - well they can move too surely with time? We change and evolve and its ok to decide that certain tasks are no longer making us happy?  So a key aspect of any happiness endeavour is to review and replace, and that's ok because it confirms you are still human and you are moving on.

Alone and Happy

Boohoo, I fail. I haven't blog for an age, and I only have myself and my laziness to blame for that. However, in the background I have been busy burrowing away at my happiness endeavours.  My pledges, how am I getting along with that?  I still fiddle too much with my phone - so I fail. I am probably sleeping more than I did before due to my extra long commute to work - so I fail again.  The chocolate I did reduce, binged again, but how am following the British Heart Foundations DeChox, and feeling fab - so one up for me.  To do lists - hmmm I seem to forget, but when I remember it does make me feel great. Being kind to others - certainly I do that more these days, so that's another one for me. Generally I think most people are beginning to feel happier as its heading towards spring, life evident poking from the ground and we are nearing the 13.9 degrees - the magic temperature. In addition, I have ticked off one thing on my ultimate to do list (40 things to do before I am 40) and got a full body massage, so although there is an absence online, happiness is very much on my radar.

It does bother me though as I was flicking through the happiness database about whether being married or single makes me happier that studies almost unanimously show that being married makes you happier. I tend to disagree on that notion for myself having sat on both sides of that fence.  I also wonder about my situation as a lone parent and look at the tiny blessings my daughter brings into my life and wonder if its her that makes me happier.  For those lone mothers reading this, being alone looking after children is certainly a challenge, and the sense of responsibility immense. However, I did find a study which addresses that and children do make single mothers happier than their childless counterparts.  It does acknowledge the challenges that lone parents face, but when a parent is alone with a child, that child becomes a focal point in the parents life. I can relate to that.

But although being a single parent makes you happy, and it makes me very happy, I know that I am faced with the stigma from society that brings me great unhappiness. The pity, or stereotypes I get from those around me, whether I know them or not doesn't just make me unhappy, it makes me furious.  The sympathetic looks of "there there, you'll find someone soon" enrages me, but it also saddens me and makes me think why do people say that? Is it envy? Or is it because marriage or cohabitation makes them happier?  And surely with the array of families now emerging in the 21st century, a single parent is quite tame?  I'll end it there before I keep ranting on and this turns from a happiness blog to a vent it out blog, and I guess I won't change society or how others see me. All I can do is have the confidence to just be me.

If you're happy and you know it....

Another week has flown by. I am now surrounding myself with happiness triggers and reminders. My new vision board is up, the ultimate to do list is written, and I have my smaller pledges, some of which I am doing better than others. The key to happiness is really dissecting your life into various segments - relationships, work, home, family, friends etc.. and to find a bit of happiness triggers in each to keep things in perspective.  I have touched on this in previous blogs, and I have been trying to fill my life with these triggers in all aspects.  And in particular, I feel work is an important one to stay happy in. Its where many of us spend most of our waking day, and being fufilled, forming friendships and feeling appreciated are all important in making our work day happier.

I am not much of a tv watcher. I am, however, an avid radio listener and devoted newspaper skimmer. It was during one of my skimming sessions that I came across an article about happiness that caught my eye. Hitachi  have a new wireless device that it gives to employees to wear and it measures their happiness.  Wanna see it? Here is it




Of course my first question was what are the happiness metrics? So many articles have been written on happiness and how to measure it and its a very difficult abstract measure that really only way to measure happiness is to ask people.  I was extremely curious how this abstract measure is now biometric, however Hitach will not disclose its secret. Apparently it records 50 data points per second all focussed around walking, talking, typing and nodding. And managers can see in real time how happy the staff are (erm... I can think of ONE manager who really needs to know this, not naming names).  Hitachi are actually going to sell this onto other employers, I wonder if it will take off?  So if you're happy and you know it... its likely your boss knew it first.