One Year On....

I'm back from a summer of fun and frolic.... and its also one year since starting my blog. So I dedicate this blog entry to reviewing the happiness project, now I have a more comprehensive overview of it.

The question I get asked, Am I Happier?  Yes, I certainly am. The very notion of writing a blog on happiness, thinking constantly about my happiness and well being automatically makes me happier. Yes, I have my down moments, we all do. That's ok, we are allowed to have those. Sometimes those down moments result in a friend reaching out, or ends in a happy memory. Seldom to sad memories remain like that. 

The blog has forced me to look into happiness at depth; to look at studies that are published in peer reviewed journals, at personal entries from people, scathe through newspapers clippings. There is one thing to be send, being happy is certainly a very popular item of study. But with one fundamental flaw, there is no measure of happiness.

Reviewing my own progress, the ultimate to do list, the vision board and the blog its self have been very positive. I would certainly recommend them. However, there is one thing that I am sure is hindering my happiness, and that is my smart phone.  My constant need to check my phone and be permanently connected to my emails..... this is something only I can sort out with my own willpower.

So I go in full circle, one of my first happiness endeavours 1 year ago was to drop the smartphone and still I haven't been able to.  This is something that I am working on. And whilst my daughter of 8 has now completed 40% of her to do list, I have only completed only 17% of it. That is something I need to work towards.

Keep reading, I will keep updating you with new pieces of research that I stumble upon, thank you to family and friends for forwarding articles, quotes, pictures relating to happiness, and keep them coming.

Silent minds

Generally, I love people. I love watching them, talking to them; I love the way that everyone is so different yet still very much the same. What I love most of all is watching children. I am fortunate to have one of my own, and she pretty much is my Guinea Pig for all children. Its not a fair comparison, but I learn a lot from her.

As the years progress, one thing that really strikes me is that children are happy. She sings to herself, plays for hours on her own, and finds delights in the simple things in life.  Here we are looking for our happiness ingredients, but what strikes me is that we probably knew it all along, but somehow we forgot it. Children are happy (unless you have been through some awful trauma, I would say nearly all children are happy).  As the years pass on, I wonder more and more to myself - what makes them so happy?

Among other things, one of the key contributors is how children are unable to retain. Arguments and tiffs seem to just pass right through them. Only yesterday, my daughter and I  had a massive standoff, resulted in her sobbing and locking herself into her room. An hour later, she totally forgot about it. In fact only 10 minutes after the crying stopped singing came from her room. I came in to see how she was, and she was chatty/happy? Did you just forget that I beat you at monopoly? And the tantrum you threw as a result?  Yes, she did. And that is just one of the secrets to her happiness, forgetting.

Its not so easy with us grown ups, we all hold grudges, some for days, some for decades....  These grudges cloud our minds, unable us to think straight, consume our living days. How do you let go?  Apparently the experts say you have to silence your mind. And the way to do that is get out into nature. Just absorb yourself for 5-10 minutes observing a tree, or a bird or something. And apparently you let go. Sceptical me set off at lunchtime in the outer Hebrides of Mill Hill/Totteridge and I did just that, 10  minutes of lying under a tree and looking at the leaves blowing in the wind. Its true, it silences your mind and makes you let go. Give it a go, let me know if I am just talking rubbish!

character happy

There are 24 strengths of character, I'll list them all. Maybe you can identify with all of them to some extent, maybe you can identify with some more strongly than others. But take a good look... your strength of character will reveal alot about yourself...

1. Appreciation of Beauty and Excellence - Noticing and appreciating the beauty around you, whether it be art, nature or mathematics
2. Bravery - Speaking up for what is right, even if you're the only one speaking! Also includes physical bravery
3. Citizenship - Working with the team or community, being loyal to that team or community
4. Creativity - Coming up with new ways to do things, not only artistic
5. Curiosity - Finding everything interesting, love exploring
6. Fairness - Treating everyone the same, trying to overcome personal bias to ensure everyone is treated equally
7. Forgiveness and Mercy - Forgiving those who have done you wrong, giving people a second chance
8. Gratitude - Being aware and thankful for what you have and taking time to express thanks
9. Hope - Working towards the future, and believing that working hard can change it
10. Humour - Liking to laugh and tease, bringing smiles to other people, lightheartedness
11. Integrity - Speaking the truth, presenting yourself in an honest and open way, take responsibility for your actions
12. Judgement - Thinking things through, not jumping to conclusions, able to change your mind in light of evidence
13. Kindness - Doing good deeds for others and helping them. Taking care
14. Leadership - Getting a group together to get things done, organising group activities and make sure they are done
15. Love - Being close to people, value close relationships with others
16. Love of Learning - Mastering new skills, adding to what you know
17. Modesty and Humility - Letting ones accomplishments speak for them self, not wanting to get into the spotlight
18. Persistence - Taking pleasure in completing tasks, finishing what you set off to start
19. Perspective - Being able to provide wise counsel to others
20. Prudence - Being careful about your choices, not taking risks
21. Self Regulation - Controlling emotions, being disciplined
22. Social Intelligence - Being aware of the motives of other people, how to fit into different social situations
23. Spirituality - Have strong feelings about the meaning of life and purpose that shapes conduct and provides comfort
24. Zest - Approaching life with excitement and energy, never doing things half heartedly, feeling activated and alive

I'll be honest, there are several of these characters that I cannot relate to at all, or very little, and others that more strongly resonate with me. Conversely, there are characters that others may see in me and I do not see in myself and vice versa.

So what has this got to do with my happiness project?  There are 2 character strengths that resonate strongly with happiness, hope and zest.  With some character traits, having too much of a character can start to be detrimental, like loving too much starts to become a negative. But not with happiness, you can have oodles of hope and zest and the happiness will just increase.

There are other traits that are more weakly associated with happiness; gratitude, love and curiosity, but its hope and zest that really stand out.

So flipping the coin... are there traits that lead to "less happiness"? Yes there are: Modesty, Creativity, Judgement, Appreciation of Beauty, Love of learning and Prudence.

There are several studies that have lead to these conclusions, so its real.  My philosophy is to focus on the positives, if you want to have more happiness, focus on the hope and zest. And with that, I'm parachuting off a cliff edge, and hoping I won't die.

The Backlash

Its been one month since my last blog.  Not because I have been distracted or lazy. But I faced a backlash. Yes, you heard it right, my happiness project came under scrutiny and criticism and I was confronted and judged on every word written.

Believe it or not, this blog is not connected to any single person or group of persons. I was shocked and horrified to think that people have been reading it and making analogies to themselves. Its not about you. Its based on observations of my life and those around me. Again, its not about you.

So I made a firm decision to end my blog, as it was causing my pain and unhappiness, and hence my silence.  However, it was only after talking to a dear person that I changed my mind. I was asked what happened to my blog, and I described the backlash, then I started to say why it is I got the backlash. And as the words left  my mouth, I realised I could not end the blog.

Why would anyone be so upset about my happiness project? Is it really because they think its all about them? Or is it a general resentment to my happiness project?  And that's when it hit me, its the actual project? Perhaps these individuals are unhappy? They are unable to change their lives? Or to take control of their happiness or destiny? Or maybe that is what they perceive, and that is why the backlash.  Your happiness and your lives are in your hands, there is no such thing as a doomed situation. Don't critise my quest for happiness, you too can do the same.

So the blog is back on. Frankly  my advise is this: if you don't like what I write, don't click on the link

happy happy birthdays

Birthdays are over rated. That is the biggest conclusion reached for 2015. I always have such high expectations for my birthday, that it will be an ace day. And those around me try, they really do. But always, year on year, around that time, unexpected things happen out of my control that makes it suck.

So it took me a while to order my thoughts after my birthday to get writing again and to blog about it.  My birthday should make me happy. But it didn't.. and if I reflect, it rarely ever does. Is it because I need to try harder? Or is it because I need to face facts, birthdays do not equate happiness.

This notion got me thinking more, so many people around me do things because they think it makes them happy, but it ultimately does not. I see families going on family holidays so we bond better... and they all come back miserable. I see friends rushing round to pack their kids weekends with activities, but the kids are then knackered and moan all evening making everyone miserable.  I see big weddings, everyone getting stressed, this is "supposed to make us happy", but the result, everyone has fallen out and barely speaking to each other on the big day.  We look around us when seeking happiness, seeing what makes others happy and we start to imitate in the hope that this will fulfil our happiness.  That's ok, we only know and learn if we try. However we have to get to a point where we admit to ourselves some of things we are doing are not making us happy any longer, and to move on.  So part of the happiness project really is digging deep and admitting, birthdays might make some people happy, and might be the nicest days of the year for some, but not for me.

Catching on

The wheels of happiness pursuit is slowly taking off again, and although I've been absent for a while, happiness and well being are firmly in my pursuit path.

I've made some progress with the ultimate to do list but panic is starting to set in. Days away from my 37th birthday, I know I will have to pull out the stops to get all 40 items done before the big 4.0 creeps up. The category of "shopping" is complete, but perhaps that was the low hanging fruit. The "detox" category has also progressed well. But I still need to find the time to exercise my culinary cuisines and to work on my personal development.

Being a woman, I always doubt myself. I doubt my own abilities and successes, and I am sure this resonates with other women. Men don't have this problem from what I see. They have absolute conviction in themselves and often will over sell themselves. So doing the woman thing, I doubt this whole project and pursuit often and wonder if I'm just setting myself up for failure. And it was a little glimmer of hope that I stumbled along that I want to share with you, that has put me back on that path of well being. Here it is:

 

I found this in my daughters notebook a while back, and its her ten things to do before shes ten. I don't really speak to her about my happiness project, but she hears conversations I have with various people about it. Maybe its crazy for a 7 year old to have a to do list. Or maybe shes learning some lessons that will help her prosper in life. But it made me realise that when you publicly declare your own pursuit for happiness, you inevitably motivate those around you to think about it in some way of form. So surely there is benefit in that. I will let you know in 15 years time if my happiness pursuit helped my daughter. In the meantime, a phone before you're ten, over my dead body!

The Grass is Never Greener

Peculiar. That's the best way to sum up yesterday. Peculiar in many ways, but one phrase uttered to me particularly stuck in my memory.  I was asked a question, is it true that I have it made, always on cloud 9, or am I a really good actress?

Its peculiar as I really didn't know how to answer it. Do I really advertise myself as the perfect being? Is my blog portraying me as the Nigella Lawson of the Internet? I didn't want that to be the case. I have highlighted on here my struggles, my demons and my frustrations. And if anything, I would say perhaps I was more negative than positive. So it makes me think of the later part of the question, am I an actress? Am I a fraud who has fooled you all my readers, into believing that I am the goddess of happiness and bliss?

I sincerely hope not. My life is far from perfect, but maybe the difference between me and others is that I believe I have the power to change things around me, and I am dedicated to changing that. I read my blogs again. I don't think I ever portrayed myself to be a happiness fairy sprinkling happiness dust down your throats. Correct me if I'm wrong. But maybe, we as humans, have the tendency to look at others and think - I want that life.

Something I realised over 15 years ago was that the grass is never greener on the other side. You may think someone is perfect, with lovely children, lots of money, a devoted husband - but we are all real people with real problems, and we don't really know what is going on behind closed doors. Even with our closest friends and families. And I blame social media. Where its actually become a contest - look at this massive bunch of flowers my partner got me for no reason, look at the lovely neighbours I have, they all pitched in a tenner and bought me a Porsche... and we tend to use social media to brag and show to others what we have. Giving the perception that other peoples lives are better than our own.

But over the last 5 years in particular, as my friendship networks deepen, and I mature more. And I begin to see through the roses - I realise that even the most perfect people have problems far bigger than mine. And this is part of the epiphany needed to bring inner peace and happiness, stop looking at others with envy. Really, if we all had our problems in a heap, you'd take your own back any day.

hardwiring happiness

My happiness pursuit has been struggling of late. I need to get back on top of my ultimate to do list as I haven't made much progress there, so that is a task I have set myself for the upcoming weekend. My positive thinking has been shaken a little of late, but still the epiphany is firmly in place - you have the power to change yourself, so to change your circumstance.

But with this notion, I have realised that there is one large obstacle in all this - habits. We are all hardwired to do the same mundane tasks over and over again - most of us without thinking about them. If I think of myself - wake up, check phone; thinking hard - bite my nails; religiously clean the sink after washing up... Actually, when sitting down and actually thinking hard what your habits are - its hard to actually remember what they are.  I do think its the habits we hold that prevent us reaching happiness... but only if you realise what they are.

So to give myself some inspiration, I turned to my good old friend google and wanted to see what other peoples habits are so I can identify my own. Chocolate, salt, binging - for me all conquered. Spending money, facebook and the gym - irrelevant. No help what so ever, but I did find a lovely website of the 20 habits of happy people, and I thought perfect for my blog. Here it goes - if you want to be happy, follow these 20 habits:
1) Give to others
2) Nurture important relationships
3) love yourself
4) make a difference - do not make yourself popular
5) learn to say no
6) count your blessings - even when times are tough (it could be worse)
7) cultivate optimism
8)  be a humble life long learner
9) find ways to cope when times get tough
10) rejection is a protection from whats not meant to be
11) don't get embroiled in others pettiness
12) focus on the present
13) follow your dreams
14) prioritise - and stick to whats important
15) struggle - because it makes you stronger
16) take care of your physical health
17) spend money on experiences not material items
18) savour all your little joys
19) accept changes outside your control - some things are not meant to last
20) live the life you want to live

Upon reading that, I thought hey, I'm not doing so bad, I probably have touched on most of these topics in my blogs.  Instead of focussing on all your bad habits and trying to improve those, why not focus on your good habits and make sure you are living them everyday?

Taking Charge

My last blog played heavily on my mind this week. There are always individuals in your locality who are determined to put a dampener on your good fortune, mood or situation.  And this has really bothered me. In fact, I can go as far as saying that this is the biggest obstacle I am facing with my happiness project.

Now those who know me know that I am pretty focused and determined person, and so I put my mind into finding a solution to this. Surely I am not the only person who experiences this, and I started a comprehensive search of peoples experiences and thoughts.  Then I had the epiphany....

The only thing standing between me and my happiness project is just me. People will talk and bitch, but whether it upsets me or not is really my own fault. In every situation, I have a choice. I can choose to experience it negatively, or positively, or just ignore it altogether.  So people upsetting me is really my own fault, I am letting them. 

In your mind, nothing is impossible. You can achieve whatever you want, whether it be loose weight, a physical challenge, complete a difficult piece of work. I know I have taken my body and mind to extremes, and I can achieve more. The only thing that stops me is my own self telling me I can't.

Freeing your mind and taking charge of your fate is liberating. You can be physically restrained in your environment or limited, however nobody has any control over your mind, your feelings and your thoughts - in this realm, you are king. And this was my epiphany, I can train myself to react how I wish. 

Since my epiphany, I must say I have let alot of comments and situations just completely wash over me.  So the next challenge, can I sustain it?

Happiness Reactions

Its been almost a month since I last blogged.  I blame it on the Easter break, but no excuses really. Even though I have been absent from my writings, my happiness endeavour is clearly on my mind. My ultimate to do list is very much constantly on my mind and some aims are quick and easy whilst others need more time. I have visited one elderly person (4 more to go), bought a red leather jacket, halved my wardrobe space, thrown out my frumpy clothes, emptied one shelf of food from my kitchen cabinet and watched one movie out a hundred I need to see before my big 4.0 comes along.

So as I pursue happiness, and continue to read happiness articles and fill my life with positivity, a stark reality is beginning to set in. It seems like the happier you get, the more determined the people around seem to be to make you more miserable. Whether it be intentional or unintentional, its heartbreaking when there are people determined to make your life a misery. It could be the difficult colleague at work who has flared up, the comment that the dress you wanted will make you look fat, or the wrath of an angry neighbour who doesn't like your overgrown garden.  These are personal attacks that are inflicted and what is striking is that they almost always come from women.

I have touched on the way women tend to turn on one another before. I bet men do it too, but probably its not as subtle and tormenting as women do it.  But it bothers me. Why do women do this to each other, especially when we all face the common challenges of life together.  Is it hormonal? Is it jealousy? Is it just because you're having a bad day, so you take it out on the rest of us? And is that fair?

I am by no means perfect, but my female relationships are worth nurturing. Criticism is fine, it just needs to be communicated sensitively, and perhaps its that empathetic element that many lack?  Or maybe its a force of physics, to every action there is a reaction. Is it inevitable that as you get happier, you tend to notice the hostility more? 

However, what is also becoming clear from my happiness project is that I need to find a way to effectively deal with these.  Being a bitch back is just going to snowball - it requires thought and tact to tackle them. So part of happiness is also to find survival methods to combat your environment, and to implement those tools when needed.